My H wasn't dating when he separated but seven months after he moved out and nearly a year after BD, I saw my H out on a date. As far as I knew he wasn't dating, but as we have a don't ask don't tell policy, I was not surprised, though initially shocked. Note: this was not my finest moment.
We spoke about it a few days later (at my insistence). I asked him if it was serious, and his response was it was casual, a few dates, there was no expectations (and strangely), they had not had sex. Some of you may laugh at my naivety but I believe him. My H is an all or nothing kind of person and if it was serious, she would now be a part of our lives. The other response he gave was "It's been seven months, what am I supposed to do", like there is some kind of timeline by which we are supposed to grieve and then let go, some sort of tick box gateways or milestones we need to pass. He was not ready to date. I could see it in his eyes. I could see it in his sadness. He was doing it because "this is what I am supposed to be doing".
Like Davide, I gave her very little mental space. She was, and is, nothing to me. Of course, at the time, I did the "what is it about her that makes him want her and not me" and to be honest, besides looking like a fatter and slightly plainer version of me, there was nothing there. Which led me to the conclusion that what attracted him to her was a) she looked a little like me and b) she was not me.
There might have been other women he has dated since then, but again, as they are not a part of our lives, they do not matter to me. We are separated, and he can see who he pleases. He needs to be free to walk his journey in order to work out what is right for him. I need to let him.
But, the question on this thread isn't about our other halves. It is about when we should be dating. I agree - there are so many variables and none of us can know when it is right for someone else to start dating. Those variables might be a set of values that say "not before D", or it could be "once you've had some time on your own to work out who you are" or "when you have truly given up on R". But these values belong to us and us alone. When you're ready, stay true to your values, go in with open eyes and an open heart, and remember you are bringing other people into your [censored] so tread carefully.
