With my 1st wife, when I found out about her affair/OM...she went straight to saying "you should start dating other women" and inside of me when she said that I was like "I 100% plan to do so". I pretty much started dating right after BD with her and given the sexless marriage, her blatant affair and explicit "permission", I felt absolutely no guilt about dating.
With my current sitch...well only because Miss Sunshine came to me did I consider dating her. She's flaked out so it's a moot point now. Only IF while I'm rolling along to D were some lady to come to me and express an interest in seeing me AND only IF I had a strong mutual interest in her would I be ok with dating before D. I've got many friends who are like "you should start dating/let us set you up" and I guess if they did and there was a mutual interest I'd consider it, BUT right now I'm just truly blah to the whole proactive desire to want to date. I mean I guess once the D is final I will put myself back out there?...eh, but honestly I could see myself being quite a bit longer before I have the desire to go looking. I think a week or so ago I passed my WW in her car with someone in the car. When I mentioned it to some girls at work they were all like "well you two are now a year apart so yeah probably she is seeing someone else". Said in such a matter of fact way that the aspect of "Um we're still married" was not even an issue or thought.
No right or wrong answers on this one. Way too many variables. My gut feeling is that whenever a person is ready within themselves to start dating then that's when it's ok. Each of us must answer for our decisions in life and who am I to tell another what is right and wrong. My biggest concern for anyone would be if dating before divorce were to somehow possibly royally screw you from the legal perspective, then that person must be smart enough to cool it until any ramifications from them starting to date have passed. For so many folks on here who get dragged completely through an amazingly hellish situation of infidelity and have it literally shoved right in their faces I for one could never blame them if they decided to date prior to D. And we always say...work on ourselves, fix ourselves, etc but what if just by chance the WW was the straight crazy one and we were simply the victims of them...how long then must we suffer and put our lives on hold at the cause of their dysfunction?
With my 1st wife, when I found out about her affair/OM...she went straight to saying "you should start dating other women" and inside of me when she said that I was like "I 100% plan to do so". I pretty much started dating right after BD with her and given the sexless marriage, her blatant affair and explicit "permission", I felt absolutely no guilt about dating.
With my current sitch...well only because Miss Sunshine came to me did I consider dating her. She's flaked out so it's a moot point now. Only IF while I'm rolling along to D were some lady to come to me and express an interest in seeing me AND only IF I had a strong mutual interest in her would I be ok with dating before D. I've got many friends who are like "you should start dating/let us set you up" and I guess if they did and there was a mutual interest I'd consider it, BUT right now I'm just truly blah to the whole proactive desire to want to date. I mean I guess once the D is final I will put myself back out there?...eh, but honestly I could see myself being quite a bit longer before I have the desire to go looking. I think a week or so ago I passed my WW in her car with someone in the car. When I mentioned it to some girls at work they were all like "well you two are now a year apart so yeah probably she is seeing someone else". Said in such a matter of fact way that the aspect of "Um we're still married" was not even an issue or thought.
No right or wrong answers on this one. Way too many variables. My gut feeling is that whenever a person is ready within themselves to start dating then that's when it's ok. Each of us must answer for our decisions in life and who am I to tell another what is right and wrong. My biggest concern for anyone would be if dating before divorce were to somehow possibly royally screw you from the legal perspective, then that person must be smart enough to cool it until any ramifications from them starting to date have passed. For so many folks on here who get dragged completely through an amazingly hellish situation of infidelity and have it literally shoved right in their faces I for one could never blame them if they decided to date prior to D. And we always say...work on ourselves, fix ourselves, etc but what if just by chance the WW was the straight crazy one and we were simply the victims of them...how long then must we suffer and put our lives on hold at the cause of their dysfunction?
My .02
-B
This. From start to finish, what you said mirrors my thought process on the situation I am in. WW has "moved on". I have decided to move on myself by starting to date other women, not because I want to one-up my WW or make her jealous to get her back.
I am moving on because I am ready. I love where I am in life. I am ready to begin the process to share that love with someone. When it will happen, I don't know. I just know that what I am doing feels right.
To those that are okay with dating a separated person, how would you feel about a person that dated your spouse while the two of you were separated (either physically, or in home)?
Good question. I am definitely not ok with the man who my W is dating. I think it is mainly because a) she knew him while we were married (a good year before BD) and I have questions/doubts as to whether there was an EA prior to BD, b) I considered him a friend and talked to him a good bit (not about W or MR) after BD but before I knew of their relationship. That, to me, feels like a betrayal on a couple of levels. He occupies very little of my mental real estate, but I wouldn't be honest if I said there are no hard feelings at all.
That said, if my W were to start dating someone else now, I would have no problem with them. I'd certainly still be disappointed that she gave up the MR and moved on, but I wouldn't project any of that on to him.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
To those that are okay with dating a separated person, how would you feel about a person that dated your spouse while the two of you were separated (either physically, or in home)?
I don't see how the 'separated' status plays into this. It definitely $ucks to see someone date your ex, but I wouldn't hold anything against someone wanting to date my exW when she is putting herself out in the dating pool. As J9 commented in my thread, this person is just attracted to my exW and making a go of it.
You can't turn this against a third party that had nothing to do with your M failing. If this was an affair situation, totally different story. if the person has left and you're playing legal semantics, then that's just going to wind you up. I have nothing against the guy dating my exW as my exW isn't 'cheating' on our marriage. The marriage was over long ago.
Just saw Davide's response - again this goes back to my point around context. The guy dating his exW wasn't a new third party coming onto the scene months afterwards, but may have had an EA with his exW. So, that changes the game. My exW had an EA with a guy and if she was dating him, then I'd definitely have a stronger reaction.
My H wasn't dating when he separated but seven months after he moved out and nearly a year after BD, I saw my H out on a date. As far as I knew he wasn't dating, but as we have a don't ask don't tell policy, I was not surprised, though initially shocked. Note: this was not my finest moment.
We spoke about it a few days later (at my insistence). I asked him if it was serious, and his response was it was casual, a few dates, there was no expectations (and strangely), they had not had sex. Some of you may laugh at my naivety but I believe him. My H is an all or nothing kind of person and if it was serious, she would now be a part of our lives. The other response he gave was "It's been seven months, what am I supposed to do", like there is some kind of timeline by which we are supposed to grieve and then let go, some sort of tick box gateways or milestones we need to pass. He was not ready to date. I could see it in his eyes. I could see it in his sadness. He was doing it because "this is what I am supposed to be doing".
Like Davide, I gave her very little mental space. She was, and is, nothing to me. Of course, at the time, I did the "what is it about her that makes him want her and not me" and to be honest, besides looking like a fatter and slightly plainer version of me, there was nothing there. Which led me to the conclusion that what attracted him to her was a) she looked a little like me and b) she was not me.
There might have been other women he has dated since then, but again, as they are not a part of our lives, they do not matter to me. We are separated, and he can see who he pleases. He needs to be free to walk his journey in order to work out what is right for him. I need to let him.
But, the question on this thread isn't about our other halves. It is about when we should be dating. I agree - there are so many variables and none of us can know when it is right for someone else to start dating. Those variables might be a set of values that say "not before D", or it could be "once you've had some time on your own to work out who you are" or "when you have truly given up on R". But these values belong to us and us alone. When you're ready, stay true to your values, go in with open eyes and an open heart, and remember you are bringing other people into your [censored] so tread carefully.
