Making sense of nightmares

[DonH]

This latest information really helps at least for me to get a clearer picture - which is still so hard simply over text and from only one person's view. I still maintain above all else the two of you really need to start communicating - and for sure JuJu you need to find it within yourself to communicate - not only with this current guy but if you should decide to not continue with him, I'm fearful the same things will happen with other guys down the road.

Right/Wrong - Good/Bad I get the feeling your BF and myself may be somewhat alike. We share and say what we are thinking. I can't speak for your BF but can totally speak for myself - it's rarely meant to tear someone down or hurt them, it's meant to help them improve. I totally believe he just wanted to help. I don't think he's being ego driven or that his way is the right way. If he has raised a child on his own and did a good job - he might even be right. He is clearly right - for him. He may just not be right when it comes to you and your son.

Regarding me, I get thrown off and don’t know how to communicate in the moment. I have to think it over, evaluate if my feelings are legit before confronting.

I can totally see that and it's okay. But what is not okay is if you never gather your thoughts and feelings and reopen the discussion - which I fear is what happens. Then even worse, you stew on what he said - so much so that the example you gave us, I thought for sure was recent, but it turns out to be old - yet it's STILL really bothering you. He moved on from it minutes after it happened - I'll guarantee you this. Yet for you, it's still eating at you. That's not fair to you or to him. And it's also something that, sure you can replace him, but you'll do the same thing with the next guy. You really have to try to work on this. If you can't do it in the moment, do it the next day after you've had time to think about it. If you don't this wedge will keep building.

He cares about you and wants to help. He thinks he is - even though he is clearly hurting you when he tries. Yet he says that he feels like the only other option is to not say anything. Is that true? Is that really his only option? Is there any way he could say something like this and it be okay with you? Because, while I guess I would not care at all about the hoodie thing, I'm sure there are many things I could point out that I'd disagree with your parenting. And that's okay. It's okay to disagree - right? He doesn't have to agree with you - but he does have to support you in your decision. Something tells me, however, that would not be enough for you - you don't even want him to disagree. Am I right about that?

I do not think he is a bad guy. But he is arrogant and too blunt about negative things and not expressive of the positive things and that has been corrosive

I very strongly believe you need to say this to him. Again, if he and I are alike (and honestly the above statement could well be said about me) I'd feel terrible if I was told this and would want to do anything I could to change it. I'd likely even say "why haven't you told me this before." And I'll bet you'll say that you've tried to - and you may have. I just don't think it's been communicated clearly - or perhaps you are afraid to. The people pleasing, conflict avoiding part of you just doesn't want to go there. It's easier to just dump him and find someone else. And that may be the ultimate best answer for you. Something just tells me if you addressed this part, you'd have stronger feelings for him again.

I guess the best advice I can give you is, if it were me (and again he and I seem somewhat similar) I'd very much value a heart to heart discussion from you about it - rather than simply saying "this is not working, we need to break up."