The thing about dating before divorce is simple: you're married. I agree with everything Davide and Maika are saying but then I'm think if I was dating someone who is still technically married I wouldn't feel like we were on solid ground. It's a complication that I wouldn't want to deal with if I were single and looking for a partner.
But yes, many people, even DB'ers are using dating to to cover up their pain. But ultimately it's their choice to make.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
But yes, many people, even DB'ers are using dating to to cover up their pain. But ultimately it's their choice to make.
Very true but does it work both ways? I'm not sure which thread this one originally spilled out of but we've been discussing it from the viewpoint of a LBS dating before they are D'd. What about the other way around, where the LBS is fully D'd and enough time has passed but they chose to date sineine who is shoe rated but still married. Us the answer the same? Or is this potentially unhealthy as well? Is dating someone still married a smart move let alone a moral one?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
The thing about dating before divorce is simple: you're married. I agree with everything Davide and Maika are saying but then I'm think if I was dating someone who is still technically married I wouldn't feel like we were on solid ground. It's a complication that I wouldn't want to deal with if I were single and looking for a partner.
But yes, many people, even DB'ers are using dating to to cover up their pain. But ultimately it's their choice to make.
I pretty much agree with all this. Reason why I will not seriously consider a serious LTR (or even casual dating) before a D is finalized—I still feel (some) loyalty / exclusivity with W, even if she doesn’t feel the same way, even if some feel she really doesn’t deserve that from me anymore upon BD, or even if some believe that the MR is toast upon BD.
Like I’ve said before (on this thread, and on my own thread), I’m sure the attention, affection and intimacy (physical / emotional / even sexual) at times all sound really great and very appealing given my sitch, but at the end of the day....
I don’t want for myself another bad sitch later on by jumping into another woman’s arms (emotionally or literally). I don’t want to use another person, I don’t want someone else to feel used, and if the tables were reversed, I wouldn’t want to feel (or be) used. I don’t want to be another person’s Plan B, and I wouldn’t want another to feel that way, or have them be the reality for them.
DH - I don't think there's a universal answer to whether the D'd LBS should date someone who is 'separated' but not divorced. So much of it is contextual. If I was interested in someone who was in that situation - separated but not divorced - I'd want to get as much info as possible about why that is the case. How much time has passed? What has this person done to move forward in their life, not just dating? What if their ex professed deep love and wanted to work on things - would they go back and try or are they done?
I think you have to assess all of that. There is never a 100% guarantee, but getting as much data to make an informed decision is prudent. It's also so hard to come up with answers when it's just a hypothetical. Take me for example - I am at a place where my exW is dating and I don't want her back. I came to the conclusion before I found she was dating so it's not in response to her dating.
But if tomorrow she comes and tells me that she made a huge mistake and shows humility, remorse etc, and is ready to walk through fire to at least 'try', I don't know if I would stick to my guns about not taking her back. And this is not a reflection of me being uncertain. I just think that when the hypothetical situation actually comes to reality, it might create more complexity than we anticipate.
Getting back to dating, I am way more interested in the state of mind of the other person than their 'D' status.
Interestingly enough I had the opportunity to date someone who was still married. At the time we met she had been separated from her husband for just under a year and was waiting out this state's 1 year mandatory separation period before filing for divorce. She ended up filing a few weeks ago and either is now officially divorced or will be shortly (we parted amicably about 1.5 weeks ago.)
I had no qualms about it morally at the time and still feel the same. Her MR was just as over and dead as mine was despite what a piece of paper might have said. I would never knowingly date someone who was in a MR because that would be against my morals. But this is different. The only thing that gave me pause was whether or not she was really ready to date and be in a relationship, since, despite the longer time frame, she was still struggling to get to a healthy place.
That is the real issue. Are both parties emotionally ready and healthy enough to be in a relationship? There are plenty of people who are divorced, or even never married, who simply aren't emotionally available. It has nothing to do with a piece of paper and everything to do with putting in the work to love yourself and be happy and whole on your own. Only then can you enter into a relationship from a position of strength and abundance. When your cup is overflowing you have so much to share with another.
Ultimately, I don't think the woman I was seeing had reached that point, and she realized that as well. So, we parted ways and she was able to take more time to self-reflect and work towards a healthier place. She might be divorced by now, but she definitely isn't ready.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Getting back to dating, I am way more interested in the state of mind of the other person than their 'D' status.
AMEN!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
But yes, many people, even DB'ers are using dating to to cover up their pain. But ultimately it's their choice to make.
Very true but does it work both ways? I'm not sure which thread this one originally spilled out of but we've been discussing it from the viewpoint of a LBS dating before they are D'd. What about the other way around, where the LBS is fully D'd and enough time has passed but they chose to date sineine who is shoe rated but still married. Us the answer the same? Or is this potentially unhealthy as well? Is dating someone still married a smart move let alone a moral one?
A fully divorced LBS is now just a guy or gal living life, and that's their choice to date a separated person. Given the amount of infidelity we see her, I'd assume that she wasn't truly separated and pass. And on top of that, even if they were truly separated and in a good spot emotionally I would just be worried that, like Maika said, in the back of their head that anything could change given the right circumstances. And of course that could happen after a divorce too, but the legal status throws me off a bit.
Davide, I wasn't making a blanket statement about dating while separated. You're one of my favorite DB'ers. I just see some people dating who really are healthy emotionally and some who are not. And you're right, the state of mind (and heart) makes all the difference.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
To those that are okay with dating a separated person, how would you feel about a person that dated your spouse while the two of you were separated (either physically, or in home)?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
To those that are okay with dating a separated person, how would you feel about a person that dated your spouse while the two of you were separated (either physically, or in home)?
From my experience, extremely painful at first. But as time passed, it subsided bit by bit with a few spikes in between. Finally, I finally accepted the situation as it is and told myself that I am going to move on. I am not going to wait for her anymore. I love me too much to continue putting myself through this pain and false hope.
And at this point, I don't care what my WS thinks. She made her choices. Now I am making mine.
When you do decide to date, what characteristics will you be looking for?
At the top of my list was honesty. Do you want to know how many woman I had to sift through to find this? Dating is a whole process on it's own.
I chose not to use the apps. I put myself out in the world and just enjoyed everyone. Enjoyed everyone's stories. Dinner out by myself. Concerts. Hiking, Biking, dog parks. When you get healthy, people will be attracted to you. I was hit on in front of my Xwife at church.
What do you want your story to be? What characteristics will you be projecting out there?
If your spouse is actively involved in a secret affair, the foundation of that relationship will most likely crumble. When that happens, will you have gone through enough personal growth and have the skills to help guide them back to a healthy relationship with you? Will dating help or hinder your path?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
