I am really struggling with this, because she won’t see we had a great marriage. There was no infidelity, abuse, drugs, alcohol or gambling.
The absence of those things does not a great marriage make. Let's go back to your original post:
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When we talked on the phone she explained that she felt that I didn’t love her because i didn’t kiss her every time I walked out of the house, didn’t greet her at the door when she got home, didn’t kiss her EVERY night we went to bed or that sometimes we didn’t watch tv together.
In other words, you weren't meeting her emotional needs which is a big thing for most women.
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My wife is a big slob she never cleans up after herself or puts her clothes away. My house is a mess all the time.
I am 100% sure that even if you never said that to her face, she felt it in your attitude and actions and it hurt her deeply, and over and over again over a long period of time. You made her feel worthless. Also, it is not her responsibility to keep an immaculate house. That is as much on you as it is her. You were establishing "covert contracts" where you expected her to do things and THEN you would reward her with attention/affection. Then when she didn't meet her end of the contract (which she knew nothing about because it was completely in your head) then...
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yeah there were times I did not want to kiss her because I would ask her to just put her stuff away and she wouldn’t.
...you punished her by withholding affection. This is all a very damaging pattern.
I'm not trying to pick on you, most of us found our way here because we were not the best H we could be. But don't assume that just because you weren't having an affair or abusing drugs or booze that your wife was thoroughly enjoying your relationship, she wasn't!! And that is why you are here. So what do you do, you do 180's on your bad behavior, you give her time and space and work on yourself. You make yourself "the spouse only a fool would leave", and hopefully with time she will see your changes, believe they are real and find you attractive again. But it takes time.
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Like I said in previous posts she has noticed the changes I have made and yet won’t give our marriage a second chance.
Yes right now she sees all your changes as "too little too late" because of how "done" she is. You've got to give her time.
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I get that but she is moving forward with the divorce. So can I not believe her when she says she wants a divorce?
No she absolutely does right now. What that saying means is what she says right now is only a reflection of what she believes right this second. It can change in a day, or a week or a month or a year. So when she speaks in absolutes, like "we will never get back together" or "there is zero chance" then don't believe it because a year from now she may be singing a different tune. But is she lying about divorce? No, unfortunately that is where her head is right now.
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I don’t want to get too excited but I feel like if she wanted out of this marriage so bad, which she has expressed in the past, wouldn’t she want to have the meeting sooner?
Who knows. Maybe she is just overwhelmed with everything and feels like she's being pressured. Your job is to REMOVE ALL PRESSURE. If she doesn't want to meet next week then fine, zip your lip. Just let it go. Don't wait a week or two and then ask her about it, SAY NOTHING. If you can remove the pressure she may very well put it all on the back burner and leave it there for months or forever.
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She said she needed time to also think about what she wanted to do with the house. I hope that it’s also about our situation.
It's too soon for that. She may eventually, but right now she's just worn out and doesn't want to deal with it.
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To the vets on here, how do I know if it’s heading in the right direction (going back to husband and wife) or she is looking at our relationship as a friendship?
The more you look the less likely she will want to recon. Because every time you put her under a microscope you are applying pressure. Back off! Quit worrying about it and over-analyzing and scrutinizing. Work on YOU and leave her alone.
