Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

I think this is what scares me, I'm afraid the 180 or LRT will just push him further away, I know everything I did wrong in my marriage, my anger is that he gave up on us so quickly. I truly believe he thinks he needs to fix his family first and then add me back in. On the surface I want to say no way, I should have been the priority but then deep down I know how happy we were, that this crisis was born out of my wrongdoings and his family and that he has just become so emotionally unattached.

I'm going to journal a little...

He came back last night from his trip home. I happened to be in the bath when he got home and he came in the bedroom to have conversation. I was polite but didn't really participate, I tried not to be cold but I wasn't really sure what to do. I could hear he was in the living room afterwards so I just stayed in my room. I think I should have gone out and said hi but I am trying to give him the time and space he requested.

It was pretty much the same thing this morning, I wasn't cold but I think I have pulled back too much so tonight I will aim to be friendlier and try to find that balance of not pursuing but also being focused on my goal of us coming back together.

I am grateful for the time apart. It really allowed me to take stock of me and come up with some personal goals:
- Stop taking everything so personally
- Stop being so dramatic over everything
- Enjoy life, even when some things are bad (job for example), I should focus on the things that make me happy
- Trust myself - to be more confident, and more secure in who I am and my value
- Become more independent - I have a pattern of becoming completely codependent in relationships, I am not happy unless I am with my significant other and I need to become more secure. My attachment goes from Secure to anxious which is not who I want to be.
- Trust others more
- Don't make permanent decisions on temporary feelings - I have cut a lot of people out over silly things without ever thinking of the consequences
- Lower my expectations - I feel disappointed a lot, like I do a lot more for others than they do for me, and so I tend to to take the things they do for granted.

So my focus tonight is to be kinder, and if he wants to spend some time with him, not just have this fleeting awkwardness. I am going out with a friend from work first so won't be returning home immediately and then I hope we can just spend a little time together, and if we don't then I will be OK. He leaves tomorrow, early, on another trip (preplanned a year ago for bachelor party mardi gras), he has promised me over and over that he will not do anything with other women and this isn't his intention. I believe him and I have no choice but to trust him (because I want to and because he has never given me a reason not to, see goals above!). I don't like the thought of him leaving thinking I am being cold to him.

I learnt so much whilst he was away this time, I can just keep doing what I am doing and hope he notices. this evening will be a full week where I haven't called him, text him, asked for reassurances on the hope he has for us, questioned his decision, had relationship talk etc...it's certainly hard but is getting easier.