Hi Alison, someone else recommended that book, I think I will check it out, thanks. I've been thinking a huge amount about the pursuer-distancer thing for a while now, it seems like a fundamental issue at the core of many relationship problems.
Emotional reactivity too is something I'm trying hard to work on. Sometimes this gets totally highjacked by hormones, but at least there's a rhythm to those which I'm getting better at spotting. And I'm sharing my hormonal issues with dh for the first time so he's getting some insight into how hard that makes life for me both physically and emotionally. But yes, I'm working on my emotional reactivity so that we can create a safe space together to move towards a better marriage. His mother is very emotionally volatile (as is mine) so I can see how destructive that can be in others and try not to go there myself, if nothing else it must bring back really bad memories for my dh to see me really upset. His mother threatened suicide at one point, he had a very tumultuous teenhood
The things we are improving at is responding to each other's bids, and also repairing when we have a disagreement. Maybe I could be better at repairing when he's in a bad place, but I find it hard to spot because he's so closed down. So I'm trying to watch him more carefully, validate and not be too me me me but see the dynamic between us and what he needs. I still have wobbles sometimes where I go into self-pitying panic mode, but they're getting fewer and less deep.
