FS: your story about opening up after BD made me feel so sad for you. That must have felt awful. But maybe you should consider his response in terms of the timing of it? For years and years your wife has distanced and then you have enough and do something about it and then suddenly this huge massive dump of vulnerabilities and desperation and sadness you've hidden for so long is blurted out. That must have been overwhelming for him, don't you think? That must have scared him. I know if I throw an emotional desperate wobbly that my dh says I scare him, and that's nothing like the amount you must have poured out to your dh. So perhaps instead of feeling sorry for yourself (which you are perfectly entitled to do) you might try seeing his perspective? I understand how painful and humiliating it must have been for you for him to behave that way, but perhaps you could assume the best of his reponse instead of the worst?
I have a question for you: how are you going to reconnect with your husband if you are hiding from him? You're protecting yourself, which keeps you from hurt, but I can't see how that will grow your relationship together. I think you're like me and you need to stop distancing if you're going to stand a chance. He's spent years asking to see the real you, if you want to save your marriage then you need to give him a peek. Are you in counselling? I can really recommend it, I've found it very useful. You could address some of those childhood wounds, because even if you end up divorcing you're going to have to sort this out for a future relationship.
Finally, I see so many parallels in our marriages. For years dh was critical, attacking, would give me the silent treatment and treated me terribly. I assumed the worst of him, and he assumed the worst of me. It wasn't healthy. But I was listening to a podcast recently and someone said that defence is a form of attack. A lightbulb went on for me. I was defending myself from attack and it aggravated the situation! I was contributing to the problem! Another thing I heard was that behind every criticism is an unmet need. What if instead of feeling hurt by the criticism I could try to understand what my husband needed (and was asking for in a destructive way)? I'm not sure to what extent I could have changed the dynamic, but it changed the way I thought about his behaviour.
Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I see plenty of hope for your marriage and if you can warm the temperature up then maybe things will start to improve...
