I deactivated my Facebook account because I just didn't want to deal with hurt I might feel looking at my H account. Well, just logged back in today, saw he removed his relationship status. I know it doesn't even matter. Its Facebook. Its stupid. But it still just hurt a little that he just removed it all together so it no longer says were married. Still has some photos, the ones we're tagged in together on his profile, but took off the rest of em.
I'm trying to be compassionate and remember that he's going through some real shizz right now. Deep stuff. Ive been reading some of the MLC posts and I can see a lot of similarities between his behavior and theirs.
His parents had a pretty nasty divorce when he was 6. Basically he was away for the weekend with his dad and when they got home, his mother had called the cops and had his dad detained while she took him and his sister and left. I don't think there was any physical abuse, but there was definitely emotion abuse on the dads side. His step mom tells me that he had been resentful for a long time as a child.
Fast forward to 6 years ago, he and I were living in Hawaii when his mother and step father asked him to move home to transition taking over the company, so he does. Then last year they accuse him of stealing 50,000 and sell the company out from under him. Now he's working for a major corporation with no real opportunity for growth. He wants to do something else but he's afraid of failing. He's never been able to talk about how he felt with his parents because all they say is "its a great opportunity".
This has to be hurting him a great deal. He tells me I didn't support him and I kept turning it around in my mind thinking really? I didn't? I almost believed him. But every day when he would complain to me about his work I would say "you should do what makes you happy, I don't care if we don't make a lot of money, I want you to be happy with what you do, whatever it is, and I want to help" I guess this isn't the support he wanted. I may never know the type of support he needed. I just know that I did the best I could.
And yeah, it hurts that he feels he can move on so quickly. I wish I could too. I'm still trying to forgive myself. Not because I feel that this is all my fault, because believe me, I don't. But i know some of it is. I made mistakes. I can accept that and eventually I will get to the part where I can fully forgive myself and grow from those mistakes.
