Making sense of nightmares

[DonH]

I thought I'd chime in with a guys opinion here. I'm also someone who in the past wondered, out loud here, if you might not be a little too critical and thin-skinned about some of the things you've mentioned. My point in saying this is I was never quick to jump on the dump him band wagon. That said, what you provided above is concerning. Does he have children of his own? Something in my memory tells me that he does not.

I first of all agree with the others and you that the whole hoodie thing is just not a battle that needs to be waged - for sure not by him. It just is not that big of a deal, but the thing is, I don't think it's about the hoodie. I think i may have said this about your BF before. I think there is something else or other multiple things that are really bothering him. That does not in any way excuse this. In fact it may make it worse, depending on what it really is. I really think there is much more going on here, I think he senses you are not happy with him - and I think he's not happy with you or at least with the R. I think the whole hoodie or luggage or whatever else it has been is about these deeper issues. It may be more in the camp of he feels you are very critical of him but son can do anything he wants, even where a hoodie at dinner, and nothing is ever said. Again, I'm not condoning it - just trying to give possible perspective. His response is still the wrong one - but do you see how if I'm correct, it's not about the hoode?

I think it's beyond admirable that you are giving the benefit of the doubt here and questioning if these are really big deal items or you are making them into big deal items. I tend to think they are big deal items.

I think I've asked you this and suggested this before but I'm going to try again. Why are you staying with him? Have you sat down and listed all of the positives and negatives? I really think you should. But beyond everything, I really think you and BF need to have a huge heart to heart about all of this. If you really do want to stick with him or "give him a chance" or whatever you want to call it, it's imperative that you sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling. Otherwise this is heading towards a BD that he will never see coming. And that's not fair either. He may be a great guy that needs to hear some of these things. Take it from a guy who blurts things out (more than I should) but rarely if ever tries to be mean about it - an attitude adjustment is sometimes needed. You teach people how to treat you JuJu and I fear you've taught him it's okay to say things like "they hand out IEP like candy." The reason should not be you getting up and walking off in a huff or giving him the silent treatment for a day or two - but should be met with looking him directly in the eyes and saying something like "that was very mean. Did you really mean that? Do you have any idea how much time, work, money and effort I've had to put in? Why would you say something so mean to me?" He needs to hear something like that from you. Otherwise I'm guessing he has zero clue and part of me thinks if he loves you as you think he does, he would not have said it if he knew how much it hurt you.

This is all a learning experience JuJu. I think you went in with this guy quickly because he was so different and checked the boxes you focused on. Unfortunately you've now come to see there are way more boxes that should have been considered. But that's okay. That's what dating is about. If you think you just need to stop here you can. If you want to give him a chance to step up, it's extremely important you start having some serious discussions with him. Whatever you do, please don't keep going on the path you are. Something needs to change here. Don't allow this to continue and by all means don't let it progress to a live in or married situation.