Rocky Road

[Miler]

Thanks folks! I do appreciate the suggestions to make myself more attractive.

I'm not going to sweat 1 instance of when she initiated ILY and I didn't respond. She knows I love her... She knows I want the R to work. She knows I'm in the process of changing.

In response to LH19, I agree that my sitch isn't the typical WW/WAW of folks on here. BUT, it was 4 years ago. Classic case. I think my W had the insight this time to say, I'm going to hit the pause button here BEFORE its gets bad like 4 years ago. She was right. I get it. Now, it has to be different...different permanently. Is there a chance that this can go south? Yes. Is there a chance she could get emotionally involved with someone else? Yes. Is there a chance that after we've both had some space to figure ourselves out we feel like we don't really belong together? Yes. But, I have no control over that. Despite the "emotional" and physical distance compared to the semi-BD a month+ ago, things are better. We are communicating better, we are listening better, and we are gaining the independence we need to have a healthy relationship in the future. Obviously, still a long way to go.

Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. She deosn't either. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it the last time we had a R talk, but she said, We are reconnecting better and giving each other a bunch of space, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I think the baby steps here, especially the ones she's noticing, are:
1) I'm giving her my full attention when we talk (in person and on the phone)
2) I'm interested in her and what's she's doing - I'm asking questions about details and her feelings
3) I'm validating and listening, not try to fix or in my head to think about what I'll say next.
4) I'm pitching ways that we can spend quality time (I'm going to coffee, wanna come?)
5) Staying out of my own head for long periods of time

Once there are signs that we are deep in piecing, I'll focus on her other issues with me:
1) I need to initiate ILYs
2) I need to initiate date nights
3) I need to allow her to feel like she can be herself without feeling guilty about what I think
4) I'll initiate touching
5) I'll not pout, go cold, be selfish when I'm not in control

Totally open to feedback on this. However, I do feel like this fits the "feed the squirrels model." She's taking seeds out of my hand right now...I can't get all crazy, excited, and pursuitish and scare her away.