Clinging to Hope

[hope2019]

Thank you. This is what I am trying. Just struggling to find any happiness when GALing. It's hard being back to single mum status whilst he just books trips away all the time.

From his replies he didn't seem to bothered by her reaching out but I have asked her not to do it anymore. He replied to her again saying "he feels emotionally broken and just wants to rebuild mini steps from the start for him, then who knows. but he isn't to stubborn to say we'll never get together again.


So I get this big sense of hope. Knowing I need to work on me...for me... knowing I need to become happier because I make me happy, more secure, more confident, independent, and then I start to feel feelings of anger...not real anger but I'm not sure what to call it, that I feel like a second choice...that everything he is saying points to a separation not to a full blown divorce with papers signed in 2 days.

His family and friends hate that he got married, and I think that put a lot of pressure on him, I'm realizing now that I spent the marriage trying to change that rather than accepting it and not caring.

I know I need to work on my patience, I'm actually really proud of myself for not contacting him at all when he was away. Up until the day he left (ok its only been 6 days), I was calling him 5-10 times a day, multiple texts, all pursuing, getting in bed with him to cuddle in the hope it would mean something to him. His absence forced me to just live without him and I'm going to pat myself on the back for getting through that first goal, it's a baby step but its still a step I did respond when he text me but nothing about the relationship, or me, just casual, nice responses. Hoping I can keep that up when I see him in person.

It's crushing our daughter...I say ours because she is desperately in love with him and he with her. It makes me angry he is doing this to her, but from what he said to our friend he was really happy she facetimed him whilst he was away.

I just need the patience to get through this long road. My IC sessions don't seem enough. I also think I am being managed out of my job which is scary, hoping to find something new so I can really start fresh.

Please send good thoughts, prayers, my way. I was in a very dark place last night and this morning. I managed to not cry since Friday...untoil today and now the tears wont stop.