Anthony, I think you need to slow down a bit. Your sitch is brand new. You aren't even a month past ILYBNILWY! Patience wins the race. I am not asking you to eat crap sandwiches. I am asking you to follow the process and give it time.
I just told Wolfman that if you remain patient, DB like a boss, and remain consistent, she might come around. Also, the general rule is to give it a year post BD before making the decision yourself to D. That is up to you of course, but most LBSs want to be able to look back and tell their kids "I was patient and did everything I could to save our marriage". Your FiL is right, D affects kids. Ding parents always downplay it but the long term effects on kids is real and well documented.
Do not make decisions out of emotion and anger. You will live to regret it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So when I am told to let her go and leave. Does that mean to just drop the rope and detach and let time and patience prevail. Try to not let her actions and words bother me. Just live my life and support my kids?
It is difficult but I am trying to GAL and do 180s. I am reading the DR book and then I will move onto the DB book. I guess the good thing she is doing the IC and I am doing my own so I can work on myself and she can work on herself. It is just difficult when she says she wants to be separated and be single and independent but live together and such. I am not snooping, begging, pleading, appeasing, etc any more. I will just continue GAL and trying to find hobbies.
Like I said, I enjoy doing home improvement projects. Do you think I can still do my projects to keep my busy. I find the home improvement projects calm me. Making or doing woodworking out in the garage.
I guess I don't understand the "separating" thing when she isn't really separating and moving out. I'd ask her to move out and move further away if she truly wants to separate. It's obvious this "separation" thing is so she can stop feeling bad about seeing the OM. But don't beat her up over it (you've had your infidelities, plus it won't help you one bit).
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
I am waiting to talk to the L to see what my options can be.
As far as legal options I don't think you have any control over this.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
The other issue is her parents. She will not talk to her parents but her dad keeps calling me. He is a retired divorce attorney. He is very controlling and is worried on the impact this could have on the children. I told him I can't make her change her. This is all her decision. He said that she has only had a couple IC appointments and to give her time. I don't think the IC is going to help her see the light. But he keeps telling me to eat sh*t sandwiches and just deal. However, that is not what I want.
Are you going to divorce her over this? I don't see you as being ready to do that, and you did this too, although it seems yours was more physical and hers is more emotional - but that's the way men and women are a lot of times. So if you aren't going to divorce her, you pretty much are going to eat poo sandwiches unless she moves out and not across the street. But I wouldn't push her to move out, just tell her you, like her, would rather not live with someone who is seeing someone else.
Anthony, I'd recommend not looking for another chemical solution. I don't like the sleeping pills, especially considering your past. Go run your butt off, lift weights, chase kids, play sports, and if you wake up at 2 AM do it again. Hope you get where I'm coming from.
Good luck.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 02/28/1903:19 PM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I guess I don't understand the "separating" thing when she isn't really separating and moving out. I'd ask her to move out and move further away if she truly wants to separate. It's obvious this "separation" thing is so she can stop feeling bad about seeing the OM. But don't beat her up over it (you've had your infidelities, plus it won't help you one bit).
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
I am waiting to talk to the L to see what my options can be.
As far as legal options I don't think you have any control over this.
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
The other issue is her parents. She will not talk to her parents but her dad keeps calling me. He is a retired divorce attorney. He is very controlling and is worried on the impact this could have on the children. I told him I can't make her change her. This is all her decision. He said that she has only had a couple IC appointments and to give her time. I don't think the IC is going to help her see the light. But he keeps telling me to eat sh*t sandwiches and just deal. However, that is not what I want.
Are you going to divorce her over this? I don't see you as being ready to do that, and you did this too, although it seems yours was more physical and hers is more emotional - but that's the way men and women are a lot of times. So if you aren't going to divorce her, you pretty much are going to eat poo sandwiches unless she moves out and not across the street. But I wouldn't push her to move out, just tell her you, like her, would rather not live with someone who is seeing someone else.
Anthony, I'd recommend not looking for another chemical solution. I don't like the sleeping pills, especially considering your past. Go run your butt off, lift weights, chase kids, play sports, and if you wake up at 2 AM do it again. Hope you get where I'm coming from.
Good luck.
I have a question. The threesome that was between my wife, her BFF and me, is that considered infidelity?
Also, I do not want a divorce. I want to reconcile and piece this relationship. I understand I can only work on me. I do exercise. The detaching is a struggle. I have lost 20 poins (was 165lbs now 145lbs). I can't eat and I have tried. This is a stress that has impacted my job, my master's program, etc.
So when I am told to let her go and leave. Does that mean to just drop the rope and detach and let time and patience prevail. Try to not let her actions and words bother me. Just live my life and support my kids?
It is difficult but I am trying to GAL and do 180s. I am reading the DR book and then I will move onto the DB book. I guess the good thing she is doing the IC and I am doing my own so I can work on myself and she can work on herself. It is just difficult when she says she wants to be separated and be single and independent but live together and such. I am not snooping, begging, pleading, appeasing, etc any more. I will just continue GAL and trying to find hobbies.
Like I said, I enjoy doing home improvement projects. Do you think I can still do my projects to keep my busy. I find the home improvement projects calm me. Making or doing woodworking out in the garage.
Anthony, again please step back and relax. Yes dropping the rope and detaching and let time and patience have their place. That doesn't require you or her moving out. Detachment = not letting her action and words bother you, or have any affect on you (positively too). And yes make your kids the priority and live life.
Yes this is difficult. This is why we try to, early in our sitches, to push things forward for good or bad. LBSs in limbo hate it. But limbo is the gift of time!! She could have, on BD, instead of ILYBNILWY could have just packed her bags and left. It has happened. So see limbo as the chance to show her your detachment, your 180s and GAL!
And yes, do home improvement projects. Detachment and GAL do not require leaving the house. But work on detachment. It will set you free!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Anthony, I don't know if the threesome is considered infidelity. But I bet my butt that you wish you could take it back right about now, am I right?
What's more important, that temporary gratification, or a life full of memories with a partner who has also forsaken all others? It's hard to think logically when emotion is overcoming you, and I think that's what happened. What are you doing to make a 180 in your life in this regard? The answer to this question will help you here:
Originally Posted by AnthonyA
Also, I do not want a divorce. I want to reconcile and piece this relationship. I understand I can only work on me. I do exercise. The detaching is a struggle. I have lost 20 poins (was 165lbs now 145lbs). I can't eat and I have tried. This is a stress that has impacted my job, my master's program, etc.
And please don't take the pills. And don't say you "can't eat" because I know you have eaten and still know how, but again you're letting emotion overcome you - though it's understandable given where you are in your sitch.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Do you guys have any thing that helped detach? It is a hard process for someone I have been with for 17 years and married over 10+ years.
I was with my W for 21 years, married for 19. Was detachment hard? YES! What helped me was to not fixate on the term detachment. I actually think it is a terrible name for it. People think that DBing detachment is the opposite of attachment. It isn't. What helped me was reading a book that called it "Self-differention". Being differentiated in your marriage is the same as DBing detachment, but conveys it in a better way. Look up self-differentiation in marriage, just google it. It is eye-opening.
What helped me? PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. It is not something you talk about, it is something you do. The more you do it, the better you get at it. It is like golf. Without the green fees.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
