GAL proceeds swimmingly, but emotional detachment lags. I am busier than ever with multiple projects. I just returned from overseas, and am going back to start a project I hope will change people’s lives in a meaningful way. The opportunity is bittersweet, as I believe the project would be compatible with everything W would want to do, and everything that drew both of us together.
I have started a new form of prayer/contemplation: to conjure W in my mind’s eye and to address her, saying, “I hope you find joy. I do not need you to find my own joy and happiness.” Over time, I hope the heart catches up with the mind.
But my daughter’s question, raised months ago, lingers: “Is this the new normal or an aberration?”
Daughter and mutual friends have begun encouraging me to walk away. Digging deep into my best, authentic self, I can honestly tell them: - I choose to remain committed for now because I continue to love W; - I hope I know W’s best, authentic self enough to think this is an aberration; - For now, choosing to love her this way is consistent with how I define who I am; - I trust myself enough to know I can afford to take this emotional risk.
My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone reading this who is similarly situated; we all know this is not easy.
Both of my daughters did the same. D19 and D16 are still very hurt that WW did this to our family. Both of then told me a couple of months ago that I deserve better and that they want to see me happy.
I am doing just that.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
