This morning I went to an exercise class and really enjoyed it. It was so nice to throw myself into something and have fun without the constant nagging thoughts about my marriage draining the colour out of my life. I felt a bit like that last night too. I feel more like myself, more hopeful about the future and about being ok no matter what. But I still want a close and loving relationship. Dh has claimed on the few occasions that I've said this that this is what he wants to. He's got a jolly funny way of going about it!
Good things:
I am more patient I am more assertive I am getting better at controlling my emotions I am trying to be more vulnerable and open with dh I am trying to be warm and loving and more validating with him I am more empathetic I have realised just how determined a person I am I appreciate my good qualities more than I once did (intelligence, friendliness, optimism, plenty more) I can nearly do a plough after weekly yoga I am aware of how much kindness there is in the world, the kindness of total strangers has been truly wonderful I count my blessings
Some days I think I should thank my dh for helping me to grow. I can see that he too is trying very hard to be kind and gentle and paying attention and being interested in my life. It's ironic that it took this horrific phase for us to take each other less for granted and blaming each other less.
I know we have a way to go yet, but I'm hopeful. Tonight I will put on a nice outfit and makeup and go flirt with dh and have fun. I feel a lot of compassion for how lost he is in his life right now, underneath I feel like his family are the most important thing to him and that he has a lot of love to give, but he finds it so hard and has a lot of existential stuff to sort through. I will give him a big hug at the station and not cry on the train on the way home. Train people are not kind, I've found, tube people are though. Weird.
