Dating before D, centralized discussion

[SoTorn]

I posted in the other thread.

This is my personal opinion. I have also discussed this in depth with my mom who is very religious.

When your spouse cheats, they are tossing their values, morals and marriage vows in the trash. That being said, the Bible states that if your spouse cheats you are under no obligation to uphold the vows and can divorce. If you are in a state that doesn't have laws against it, there is nothing morally, religiously or legally wrong with dating someone when you are separated. A marriage doesn't work with just one spouse upholding the vows. Why would you uphold your vows for someone who doesn't care?

I can agree that finding someone just to use them for intimacy and as a "revenge cheat" is absolutely horrible and shouldn't be done. But if you are absolutely done with your marriage and want no part of R with your WS, then you should be free to do what you want when you want with whom you want. I think that people need to apply what they learn with DB to everything else in their life. You don't control other people and if what another person does doesn't affect you, then why do you care what they do? Who are you to judge what another person does or how they react when their spouse cheats on them? If someone wants to wait years and years and uphold their vows in a marriage that has already failed, just hoping that one day their spouse will stop cheating on them and come back, more power to them. Everyone's personal decision is their own decision to deal with.

That being said, I have met a wonderful younger woman who, although I wasn't planning on it, I have taken a real liking to. Of course I am approaching the new relationship very slowly and have set some major boundaries for myself. One thing that meeting this woman has helped me with is the understanding that there are millions of other people that are in this world that are more than happy to treat you like you are appreciated, understand your value and will never take you for granted.

In my experience meeting this woman has shown me that the way I was treated for years and years was absolutely horrible. I am thoroughly enjoying my limited time that I get to spend with this new, wonderful person. I am done with my WW. Cheating is a 100% deal breaker for me. There is no way that I could ever feel the same way about my WW much less love a person that thinks its OK to put me through the level of hurt that she did. So I moved on and I am VERY happy that I have done so.

Of course my situation is different. I had already recognized a lot of stuff that I needed to change several years ago and I made a significant effort to do that. I addressed all of my demons and even though I did that and completely changed my behavior and tried to show my WW that I valued and appreciated her, she had turned her eyes the other way and found someone else. She can have OM, because she no longer has me, my love, my support or my convenience. I don't care what she does with her life because it will no longer involve me.