Why Keep Hope, Part 2 (Here's To A Better Me)

[Davide]

Harvey,

That is a great update! Lots of focus on your kids, your future, and even the other gal! Dropping the rope really feels good, doesn't it? I remember reading your thread about giving up hope right around the time that I was shaking free from my attachment to the W, and it really resonated with me. It's really sounds like you are in a good place.

I'm still interacting with the gal I met on an online dating site. We plan on hooking up when I move my stuff to my new location. She seems nice and cute -- although I worry that she may be a bit "curvier" than her profile pics. It's hard to tell and I've been told not to trust profile pics. It's less important to me than in the past though. I had a hot wife, but what good did that do me. I think I'd rather settle for somebody who thinks I"m a catch. I want somebody's whose beauty is not a mile wide and an inch deep.

Definitely don't trust profile pics. Ever. Everyone wants to put out their best side, and it might just be flattering angles, but it could also be pics that are years old. Even as a guy, I try to put out the pics that show me in the best light. It's just human nature. You learn more in 5 seconds of face-to-face time than from all the pics in the world.

I'm really interested in your deeper point about seeking out inner beauty as much as outer. I think it is something that I struggle with. My W is/was very thin and attractive in an angular way, with dark eyes and dark hair. That has always been the look that most appealed to me. She is/was also always a deeply sensitive, caring, athletic, funny and quite intelligent woman (I still believe this post BD). Quite frankly I thought she was out of my league. The women that I have dated recently have generally not fit that same mold physically (it is harder at 40 than at 30!). I have had no trouble finding women who have those personality traits which I am looking for, but it is hard to reconcile myself to the physical differences. Then I feel shallow for even caring about such things.

I am currently seeing a woman who has a PhD, is a college professor, is warm, funny, shares many interests and viewpoints with me, and thinks that I am a catch. I am physically attracted to her, there is chemistry, but at the same time it feels like something isn't totally there. I think that I have this idea in my head that she doesn't match up to - not necessarily my W, but a physical ideal. Ultimately, that shouldn't matter, but I struggle to release myself from it. I think it is something that I need to let go of in order to move forward, but I'm not sure how.

(Sorry if that is a bit of a hijack of your post)