GAL proceeds swimmingly, but emotional detachment lags. I am busier than ever with multiple projects. I just returned from overseas, and am going back to start a project I hope will change people’s lives in a meaningful way. The opportunity is bittersweet, as I believe the project would be compatible with everything W would want to do, and everything that drew both of us together.
I have started a new form of prayer/contemplation: to conjure W in my mind’s eye and to address her, saying, “I hope you find joy. I do not need you to find my own joy and happiness.” Over time, I hope the heart catches up with the mind.
But my daughter’s question, raised months ago, lingers: “Is this the new normal or an aberration?”
Daughter and mutual friends have begun encouraging me to walk away. Digging deep into my best, authentic self, I can honestly tell them: - I choose to remain committed for now because I continue to love W; - I hope I know W’s best, authentic self enough to think this is an aberration; - For now, choosing to love her this way is consistent with how I define who I am; - I trust myself enough to know I can afford to take this emotional risk.
My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone reading this who is similarly situated; we all know this is not easy.
