OK so I went ahead and canceled the calendar request for the marriage counseling. My wife then emailed me and text me later on asking why I went ahead and canceled the marriage counseling without discussing with her first. I didn’t respond but then I noticed that there was a calendar request for a dental appointment for my wife and I needed to find out if I need to be there to get my daughters off the bus. When I called her I first asked about the dental appointment which was an old dental appointment at that was canceled but you kept it on the calendar.
So that she asked did you get my messages about canceling to marriage counseling. I said yeah well you told me you’re at I want separated so I decided why do I keep them at marriage counseling specially since you have another guy that you’re doing things with. She then said well I thought that was a 50-50 relationship and we make decisions together. I told her this is not a 50-50 relationship right now worried she is dictating everything about the separation be in with the guy that you want to be single and have no responsibility in the Pindingt. I then told her that having a guy show up at my house was disrespectful and I’m not gonna be disrespected anymore.
I then told her that the marriage counseling is for us to work on our marriage but the actions that she’s been taking lately I’ve been with a guy having sex with him and tell me she was separated shows me that she’s not really interested marriage counseling. She then mentioned that well and I thought maybe we could at least go there to be friendly to each other. I told her look if we’re gonna get separated or divorced and break up this family were not gonna be friends I know you want that but I’m not going to be friends.
She started crying and told her well you know the things you put me through the last year and a half and everything they’re still my mind and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to trust each other. You don’t even communicate with me right you hear what you want to hear not what I said. I said what you said the therapist I told you that if one person is not into the matter saving America and the other is the end the marriage counseling is pointless. She goes that’s not what I said. I said that’s what he preached that I was alluding to when he said that marriage counseling only works if both parties are into it. I said well it implies that you are not interested in because you know I was interested in marriage counseling.
I didn’t told her look I called to find out if I need to be there for the girls get off the bus and it looks like it’s not need to be if you wanna continue this conversation later after you have a counselor or appointment or this weekend then we can discuss but for right now I don’t know what she really wants.
I then got home and she was laying on the bed just looking like she was all sad. I think she was trying to do a temperature check. I went into the room because my kids have a class today and we usually run together. I went in there and I asked her if the kids are going to eat before they go to the class. She said I don’t know. I asked are you going to take them the class. She said I don’t know I didn’t know what you were planning on doing. I told her I was going to go run some errands and then I was going to go meet up with some people and I pry won’t be back till after the kids go to bed. She then goes well that means you want me to take them to the class. I was like well I thought you’re going to go running. She goes I Didn’t know what your plans were. Then she said by real rude and I said what she goes bye.
I just walked out of the room after that without anything else I wasn’t really rude right thing I just was very neutral and my approach to her about going out and having her take in the class.
As I leave the house I get a text message from her saying fine Anthony this is the way were going to communicate now I’m better off just being on my own with the kids have fun.
I didn’t respond and then I get another text message from her. Stating we need to find out what we’re going to tell the kids. I don’t respond to that one. Or the first one. I didn’t get another text message a few minutes later saying That we are supposed to have a conversation tonight. And now we need to come up with the days that will take care of the kids each. I think she’s talking about the conversation about the marriage counseling and everything but I didn’t really suggest that we’re gonna talk about tonight as I can if you want to talk about it tonight or after your counseling appointment or this weekend.
See what I mean about how they fill the void with negative ? My WW was super mad that I ignored her. She finally got the hint after a while that I am not her friend.
Keep it up. Detach. Dont be rude. Be indifferent. If she wants to talk logistics thats fine but make sure you are not enabling her to be with OM.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
First sorry about my long message with a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. I had a lot to say and I used talk to text which doesn’t do too well.
I got home soon after kids were in bed and she had already went to MBR and had door closed. So no interaction tonight. Will be interesting to see if I get any text or email from her tomorrow since I didn’t respond back to any of her messages. See if she temp checks me at all.
You really need to stop worrying about what shes doing or going to do. Tell us what you are doing to GAL and what your short term goals are to make yourself happy. Stop thinking about her constantly. Act like shes not even in the picture and its just you.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Right now I am just trying tk read the books and spend time with the kids. I am being more social with some of the guys than before. I always found excuses to stay home. So I am contacting people and hanging out and just talking. I also like home improvement but that means staying home. So I may go to a couple woodcraft wood work shops to do a new hobby.
She's playing with your head. She doesn't want to save her M, she just wants you to be her friend. The minute you show some action without consulting with her....she's ready to turn the tables and make it sound as if you out to be the bad guy. She does not want to be your W! She just wants you to be nice to her while she sleeps with OM.
Having another conversation about it is not going to accomplish anything. She goes in circles until you don't know what to think. So, stop playing her game. Find your b@lls and let her go. That's the only thing that is going to pull her back. Don't tell her you are going to take back your b@lls.........just do it. If you were not M and this was a girlfriend who was sleeping with another man.......what would you do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's playing with your head. She doesn't want to save her M, she just wants you to be her friend. The minute you show some action without consulting with her....she's ready to turn the tables and make it sound as if you out to be the bad guy. She does not want to be your W! She just wants you to be nice to her while she sleeps with OM.
Having another conversation about it is not going to accomplish anything. She goes in circles until you don't know what to think. So, stop playing her game. Find your b@lls and let her go. That's the only thing that is going to pull her back. Don't tell her you are going to take back your b@lls.........just do it. If you were not M and this was a girlfriend who was sleeping with another man.......what would you do?
Yeah, I am realizing that I have to get my b@lls back. I was looking like a chump begging and pleading, etc. Today she has been nice to me but we are having an issue with one of my daughters. I had to leave work to take her to get blood work done. When it comes to the kids, I will communicate. In the middle of communicating about the kids, she asked if I was drinking last night. I just said "No" and ended that text message exchange. She then called me to let me know some other info on my daughter that could have been handled via text but I answered. I think she said I love you at the end of the call but I just said OK and got off the line.
Amazing how yesterday she was all it is over, this is how I am gonna be, etc. Then all of a sudden her "temp check" of being nice appears the next day. Also, I noticed that she drank some yesterday when I was gone so I must have drove her into one of her drinking frenzies. I am not going to be disrespected any more. If she says I am being controlling. I will just tell her, no, I am controlling my emotional state and well being. She will do what she wants but it will not impact me and my progress to be a better person. I will find that book that you recommend to further reduce or cure my NGS.
So she sat down to talk to me today. First about our daughter and the medical stuff with her. She then indicated that at first it upset her that I left her with the kids yesterday to GAL. But she said she settled down and felt empowered later.
She then mentioned wanting to sit down and tell the children that we are separating. It sounds like she wants to stay in the house and cake eat and be roommates. Or course the other alternative is her just living across the street which is just as dumb as letting her stay here. I am waiting to talk to the L to see what my options can be.
The other issue is her parents. She will not talk to her parents but her dad keeps calling me. He is a retired divorce attorney. He is very controlling and is worried on the impact this could have on the children. I told him I can't make her change her. This is all her decision. He said that she has only had a couple IC appointments and to give her time. I don't think the IC is going to help her see the light. But he keeps telling me to eat sh*t sandwiches and just deal. However, that is not what I want.
For her to truly see the life she would be living, she needs to be out on her own or move in with the OM. See the grass is not greener on the other side. I will gladly take custody of the kids and stay in the marital home. She is the one offering to move out. I am tugged in so many directions on how or what to do in this situation. I don't know if she thinks I will be just buying everything for us and she gets to just go spend her lesser earned money on herself and such. If she lived there, you would think there is rent, buy her own groceries, pay for the water, gas, electric, etc.
I am hoping the L will shed some light on this. I asked my dr for sleeping pills. I wake up around 2 or 3 AM every night and can't sleep anymore. Thoughts, etc go through my mind. Detaching is a struggle.
