Hit by the dreaded ILYBNILWY

[mikeyb]

First I want to say thank you to everybody so far. The advice given has been extremely helpful and I am feeling and seeing the difference in many ways.

Now the update as promised:

So yesterday, me and the W needed to go grocery shopping. We hopped in the car and started on our way, the first 10 minutes was pretty quiet, she was half asleep still and I was jamming away to the radio. Then she said she wanted ice cream as we passed an ice cream shop. SO we stopped in and grabbed some ice cream, during which all of a sudden she started with some talk about our MR and things moved to my faults, and what I did wrong. During which I validated how she felt, and said I understand how I went wrong and what I did, but I can not change the past and can only make sure I don't do it again. At which point she settled down a bit, started talking some more and when I was trying to say something I would be interrupted with her version. So it went on to talking about how I felt during the time, and why I felt that way. And I did so without using any "you" statements (You did this/that etc) and instead said "I feel that when you do this/that" such as with watching her friends kids every weekend and not having time together I said "I felt that when I came to you about us watching the kids every weekend and not having time together you were being very dismissive of how I felt by saying I can't blame the kids for us not doing anything" and things like it and the outcome of me doing so was nowhere near what I expected, she had actually stopped to think about it, I was able to see some understanding from her instead of a typical defensive reaction I would get if I would have said "you are very dismissive of my feelings"

things continued on this way for a bit and then she started to open up a some on how she has been feeling lately, she stated that she is still unsure what she wants, mostly because others are telling her to really think about what she is doing and if it's truly what she wants. She said that there are still many things that she loves about me and it all comes down to the trust. The conversation was very good, It gave me a slither of hope... yes hope.. expectation: none, but hope yes.

Additionally, I spoke with the MIL and told her I will not withdraw my 401K, I had to reiterate several times, but I stood firm on it. The MIL also said that she is going to be done helping us come the end of March (Made it easier for me since I wanted to pull away from her with that anyway) So today I was talking with the W about it and she was unaware that her mother was wanting to be done then, and asked what we were going to do for the bills come then. At which point I threw out my proposal of her controlling the money and us paying the bills together. She is really hesitant on this because the trust issue boils down to money, when I explained how I would want to work it out she seemed to be intrigued and said she would think about it. I'm hoping that she will do it as it would be a major stepping stone towards rebuilding the trust. Am I expecting it, no, but I'm hoping for it.

So right now my plan is to continue doing what I am doing, but more of it. Double down on some GAL and continue to give her space to be herself.