Rocky Road

[Miler]

Daily update-

So yesterday was heavy, real heavy. After some brief R talk, my W's sister called about her parents (W's dad has Alzheimer's). Parents are selling their house and buying something bigger and pricier in a bigger town. W is very upset because they may need that money to pay for care in the near future. MIL sort of in denial. After 45 minutes on the phone with sister, W gets off and dumps on me...initially just a little, but I applied the rules I have read in Emotional Intelligence 2.0 on empathic listening and more kept coming out. I just listened instead of trying to fix or give her solutions. I validated her thoughts and feelings and supported what she felt needed to be done. I praised her for being such a good sister and daughter and how much I'm sure her family appreciated her. After some bit, she conversed with a woman from a mutual couple we know who is just starting a very ugly and expensive divorce. When that was done, I could tell she was upset and was talking a little about her feelings. I asked what was going through her head and what she was feeling. She launched into a discussion on how it was exactly what we went through 4 years ago, where women who take care of the children and love their Hs get shafted in the D process. That they are the primary care givers while Hs are out working and hanging out with buddies, and then at some point they no longer become employable and life just [censored] for them after...and that most men fight to not give them 50% of everything. I just listened, was empathetic, and said, man, that must have been hard for you. I'm sorry I treated you that way when we went through that hell. In the past, of course I would have defended my actions...of course I was hurting and tried to get everything I could have out of the settlement. But for the first time in my life I just tried to put myself in her shoes and feel what she was feeling. A lot came out...we didn't discuss, argue, or any of that. I just listened. We weathered that storm and I finished by saying, today has been a really heavy day. I appreciate you opening up to me like that. Maybe we should do something light and fun tonight with the kids? She thanked me for listening and agreed. Of course when S16 came home with a note that he's on the verge of failing Human Geography, light and fluffy didn't happen...but we did come together on the way we spoke to S16 and creative solutions to help him.

I kept my distance last night and tried, even though I just wanted to hold her. I was feeling anxious this morning, so I decided to get started bright and early. I took the boys to school, hopped in the shower, and went straight to Home Depot, hopped on a conference call on the road, spoke with a friend of mine about his son, and did a little shopping. Around 1:00, she texted, "Wanna grab lunch?" Well, I said, Sure! We grabbed lunch together...I left my phone in the car. I focused on her, we had great casual conversation, a couple of laughs, and drove home. I can tell, there is still a little bit of a barrier up. There was no casual touching, no kiss, though she did call me honey and babe through the lunch. As soon as we got home I took the dog for a walk and decided to dump here! Whew...crazy last 24 hours, but I still want to keep my expectations low. I feel "attached" to her, so I need to go back to detaching and working on me. I am guessing she needs to see these changes stick for a while...a good while. I leave tomorrow for 4 days, so hopefully it will give us a chance to miss each other.

Thanks for the support folks! It's always helpful and meaningful to hear from you guys...on the rights and the wrongs!

Adam - great points. I don't want to spy or pry, so I'm going to leave that be and not even think about it. She knows (we both know) that an EA or PA is crossing the emotional boundaries we have set and will be a deal breaker for us both.

AS - that's a big problem I have right now...I can't pressure her or the sitch. Thankful to be heading out of town for a few days.

Steve - thanks man, you've been there since the start of this. I appreciate your honest feedback and encouragement.