MLC? Confused what to do

[sandi2]

I have scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney. Getting educated on that process in case it leads to legal separation and/or divorce.

Good!

I have a question about her moving across the street. Is this the same neighbor where you all were spending time? Is this the Neighbor with the son who was flirting with your W? Is the son still around?

I think both separated scenarios are terrible. It's "in your face" either direction.

Anthony, I think some H's do not know how to be a leader. If a man does not have natural leadership skills, then it could easily come across as "controlling".

When a man & woman are M and have a family together, I believe the man is the head of the home. It requires leadership, protection, provision, etc. In today's society of strong women, men may find it to be a great challenge establishing himself as the leader. A rebellious W throws accusations at her H that he tries to "control" her, and it may or may not be true. If she is already rebellious, then anyone who says the word, "No", will be accused of controlling.

A man who has NGS may try to make his W happy by appeasing her as much as possible. In return, he may get a W who has a sense of entitlement........or what I like to call, a spoiled brat. The dynamics in your MR will not change easily or quickly b/c she has pretty much done as she pleased throughout the time you've been together. She is not going to meekly submit to what you say, b/c she doesn't respect you. She is not going to change her viewpoint staying in a in-house separation. If she wants a S, then tell her she needs to leave. I'm not saying to literally "kick her out", I'm saying you need to tell her she should leave if she doesn't want to be your W. If she can't afford a place, that's her problem. Either she's in the M, or she's not. If not, then why live under the same roof and play happy family when it's convenient for her? (We have a generation growing up seeing their parents living IHS and they think this is how a normal M looks. )

Moving in with the neighbor is highly suspicious, IMO. If there is no hidden agenda there, then just how long do you think a neighbor will put up with her staying there without financial contribution? Is she planning to run back over to your place for meals, washing her clothes, using hygiene products, and whatever else costs money? What a setup!

My advice would be to tell her that if she decides to leave, then do it with the understanding there will be no running back & forth whenever she needs something. Don't say it like a threat, but as clarification of how things will stand. I think you've already said too much, and left her with the impression you'll take whatever you can get. I don't think you should offer a "time out" arrangement. B/c the first bad experience she has, she'll go running back home until she wants to go play some more. In-house separation doesn't work out in favor of the M. The WW gets the best of both worlds. Living across the street may be worse than IHS, I don't know. She doesn't have anyone else to offer their couch, except the neighbor? IMHO, I think she should have a real sense of feeling separated, and living across the street and/or IHS will not provide it. She needs to see her life apart from her H and the MR. As long as she can blame you for all her problems, she won't accept the truth in front of her. And, as long as you are in the next room, or across the street,,,,,,,,,she won't experience real separation.

If you have seen the biggest change in your W come after she started drinking, then I think it's safe to say that is a serious problem that will continue getting worse. The unhappy MR, the drinking, and the BFF seems enmeshed. As much as you love her and want to rescue her.......you can't. It's heartbreaking to see what's happening. It's like watching a collision in slow motion. For now, I think you need to stop focusing on saving the M, and just think of what will be best for your children, and for yourself. You have to let her go,

As for her getting IC/MC........I think she's just playing a game with you there. As long as she allows BFF into her life, nothing will work in favor of the M. I don't understand why she would be pals with her, and it's probably something for a therapist, but it's an unhealthy "friendship". As long as she's drinking, I think she will go from man to man. Until she makes the decision to get help for her drinking problem, nothing else will help her. The booze will be her god.
I don't get why you told her you would keep the MC appointments without her. I mean, I think you were hoping upon hope that MC would be the cure for the OM issue, so it was an act of desperation.......? MC doesn't work if both parties are not willing to participate, and unless both parties want help in saving their M. Your W is not looking for help to save her M, and you telling her you'd attend solo......looks like a desperate man, IMO.

The most effective action I have seen, is when the H lets go of his W and moves forward in his life. With your fear of abandonment, this could prove to be very challenging, At the same time, it might turn out to be the time for great personal growth as a man. Currently, you are trying to persuade her not to get a divorce. You were acceptable to separation when she said that she wouldn't pursue D for now. (Believe nothing she says.) I think you saw it as an emotional string to cling to, and thought it was better than nothing. But, I'm just rambling.

Again, I encourage you to know your own core values. It is not okay to betray one's spouse. This betrayal has gone both ways, which will need therapy to heal as a couple. She's just not ready right now. Her head is too messed up with OM, BFF, and booze. Therefore, take care of yourself, Continue to read the books recommended. Btw, one that use to be recommended a lot was Hold on to Your N.U.T.S. I've never read it, but I remember Starsky saying it was a small but powerful book for nice guys,