Gracie, I too struggle with the same emotions sometimes I learned a lot from reading your thread hopefully this helps you on your journey. My BD was also in Sept 18 so I can't offer any advice but wanted to share that you are helping people on this board.
Father5 - Sorry you find yourself on this arduous journey. I will take a look at your sitch. Never have I thought someone would benefit from my posts. I feel like I only complain, and take advice. Thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me.
Journaling......
Amazing what a difference 5 days can make from a horrific and trying situation. I feel more grounded and at peace.
I saw H today, briefly. He came by to pick something up to bring to the kids. He went to see them today. He helped me with something. It was a normal exchange.
The sting that he is seeing/sleeping/and maybe periodically shacking up with OW has lessened. It is what it is. Can't change it, so no use dwelling on it. When the vision of them together comes to mind (as it does way too often), I go to prayer, and ask God to give me guidance. And I get busy. With whatever I can do. Clean, cook. bible study, whatever. It helps.
I still hear the words Wait and Patience when I ask God for Guidance. I will obey for now.
I messaged H that his birthday was coming up next weekend, and if his schedule allows I would like to mark the day. He initially messaged back he would get back to me on that, but it might work out to have lunch if he comes over to do yard work. When he arrived, he said he would see me see me next Saturday. I felt strongly that marking his birthday was the thing to do. I have NO expectations that it will be anything meaningful in the R department, and won't initiate any R talks. We will just see what happens. He was receptive to mark the day. I will leave it at that.
I am fully aware that my invitation was not the B-ding thing to do, but I felt strongly I should do it. I think we need to look at the "rules" and our own individual situations and make our own decisions sometimes. I am going in with eyes wide open.
Another work week is upon us. I sometimes look forward to Mondays, as it give me a good structure for 4 - 5 days in a row. I have bootcamp Monday and Tuesday night, bible study Wednesday, and this week dinner with a friend Thursday.
I am thankful for all the people in my life that appreciate ME for my unique qualities, are there for me with sound advice and no judgement, and provide the necessary diversions to see me through my storm.
Life is good.
Last edited by job; 02/25/1906:47 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
I think we need to look at the "rules" and our own individual situations and make our own decisions sometimes.
Absolutely!
You know your situation better than anyone. Take what advice pertains and leave the rest. One of the best “rules” is to do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
I am glad to see you grounded again and with more acceptance. It is what it is - so true.
Good for you regarding H’s birthday. I think you approached it very well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So remember I said that I thought God spoke to me in my despair and said "Wait". "Wait"? Then the word "Patience". These words have popped up in my brain randomly since then. Well, I receive daily devotionals from RejoiceMinistries. I don't open all of them. But what came this morning? A devotional with the title "Waiting". Whoa. Kinda cool.
I need to reread it though, and do some heavy praying tonight. I've been praying on and off all day. It was a rough day. I functioned at work o.k., but thoughts of my Hs indecision and possibly entertaining getting a place together with OW just would not leave my mind. Visions of them smiling, laughing, loving. Things I haven’t gotten for so long. I mean for 8 or more hours straight. The stomach butterflies just won't leave, either.
Feelings of Anger - How dare he leave me in limbo! Why can't he get his sh** together! What the heck am I waiting around for? For him to choose me? Doesn't that devalue me? How do you differentiate between Standing and waiting to be Plan B?
I wait because I believe it’s the right this to do at this moment in time.
Feelings of embarrassment – if he goes public with OW, I’m going to be mortified! The perceived whispers of “poor Grace”, her H hooked up with HER (she’s known in a wide circle of acquantances). But why should I feel mortified? He’s the one that’s acting like a fool. I’ve kept my integrity. But the feeling is there all the same.
Irrational, probably. Something to work on.
Feelings of despair – Even if H wanted to try to repair the M, how is that possible? Isn’t there too much water under the bridge? Am I just wasting more time? I’m 55! Am I going to be in limbo when I’m 60?
This is given up to prayer regularly. Anything is possible with God, but it seems impossible when you look at the facts. I need to remind myself it’s not wasted time if I am finding things to fulfill me in the meantime.
Feelings of profound sadness - I can’t believe my marriage got to this point. Could it have been avoided? I’m sad H is incapable of turning to me in his despair. Why is he incapable? It hurts.
I don’t know what to saw about this. *sigh*
Feelings of doubt – Maybe I should never have asked him to move out.
But without working on his issues, he would have sought HER, or someone, something else – alcohol, porn, sharing naked pictures with strangers, or whatever. He’s probably still doing that anyway. He’s admitted to the alcohol.
Feelings of profound concern – H could very well be mentally ill. Probably clinically depressed. When someone tells you they “think they may be going in sane”, you believe them.
In sickness and health, ‘till death do us part. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I stand today. To see him through his storm, and to show him there is one person that will never abandon him no matter how hard he tries to make it so. He feels he’s not worthy of my love. I want him to some day truly believe he is. I pray for this.
I want to feel hope. I think that is a long way off for now. But I can find my peace again, it was there. I felt it. And contentment, too.
This is just a temporary setback. I have to believe that.
So remember I said that I thought God spoke to me in my despair and said "Wait". "Wait"? Then the word "Patience". These words have popped up in my brain randomly since then. Well, I receive daily devotionals from RejoiceMinistries. I don't open all of them. But what came this morning? A devotional with the title "Waiting". Whoa. Kinda cool.
I need to reread it though, and do some heavy praying tonight. I've been praying on and off all day. It was a rough day. I functioned at work o.k., but thoughts of my Hs indecision and possibly entertaining getting a place together with OW just would not leave my mind. Visions of them smiling, laughing, loving. Things I haven’t gotten for so long. I mean for 8 or more hours straight. The stomach butterflies just won't leave, either.
Feelings of Anger - How dare he leave me in limbo! Why can't he get his sh** together! What the heck am I waiting around for? For him to choose me? Doesn't that devalue me? How do you differentiate between Standing and waiting to be Plan B?
I wait because I believe it’s the right this to do at this moment in time.
Feelings of embarrassment – if he goes public with OW, I’m going to be mortified! The perceived whispers of “poor Grace”, her H hooked up with HER (she’s known in a wide circle of acquantances). But why should I feel mortified? He’s the one that’s acting like a fool. I’ve kept my integrity. But the feeling is there all the same.
Irrational, probably. Something to work on.
Feelings of despair – Even if H wanted to try to repair the M, how is that possible? Isn’t there too much water under the bridge? Am I just wasting more time? I’m 55! Am I going to be in limbo when I’m 60?
This is given up to prayer regularly. Anything is possible with God, but it seems impossible when you look at the facts. I need to remind myself it’s not wasted time if I am finding things to fulfill me in the meantime.
Feelings of profound sadness - I can’t believe my marriage got to this point. Could it have been avoided? I’m sad H is incapable of turning to me in his despair. Why is he incapable? It hurts.
I don’t know what to saw about this. *sigh*
Feelings of doubt – Maybe I should never have asked him to move out.
But without working on his issues, he would have sought HER, or someone, something else – alcohol, porn, sharing naked pictures with strangers, or whatever. He’s probably still doing that anyway. He’s admitted to the alcohol.
Feelings of profound concern – H could very well be mentally ill. Probably clinically depressed. When someone tells you they “think they may be going in sane”, you believe them.
In sickness and health, ‘till death do us part. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I stand today. To see him through his storm, and to show him there is one person that will never abandon him no matter how hard he tries to make it so. He feels he’s not worthy of my love. I want him to some day truly believe he is. I pray for this.
I want to feel hope. I think that is a long way off for now. But I can find my peace again, it was there. I felt it. And contentment, too.
This is just a temporary setback. I have to believe that.
I have spent some time on their site reading devotionals and doing the prayers. Im with you in standing as my wife actually said something similar. She said multiple times before the bd that she felt like she was crazy . That something was wrong but she couldnt figure it out. She needed time and space to figure it out but she specifacally said I feel like im losing my mind. One day at a time.
In sickness and health, ‘till death do us part. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I stand today. To see him through his storm, and to show him there is one person that will never abandon him no matter how hard he tries to make it so. He feels he’s not worthy of my love. I want him to some day truly believe he is. I pray for this.
(((Grace))) I’ve had many of the same thoughts. Please try to take your mind off of the OW. She is not the issue and she is not getting a emotionally healthy person to be in a relationship with. I suspect that it is not near the love affair that you are obsessing about. If it was, your H would not be as unhappy as he is. Step back. Be the lighthouse. Keep GAL and doing the things that make you happy. Keep moving forward. Your H will catch up when/if he can. (((HUGS)))
You are in withdrawl from H. Your brain is screaming out for the chemicals it once produced due to the loving feelings you experienced from your relationship. Detachment, indifference are taking hold and as such those feelings are fading and so is the chemical, hence the painful withdrawl.
The urges to call, to speak to him, to snoop on social media, to obsess over him and what he is doing, are incredible powerful and so painful. You are battling your mind. This is a fight, use your logic and reason to see beyound all the pain and feelings of despair. They are feelings, they will flit away. Feelings are fleeting. Do not feed them!
There is a lot of anxiety and anxiousness in your post. A lot of worry and fear about possible future events. You are correct with your assessment of it being irrational. That does not mean crazy, it just means not logically based. Get in you intellectual car and reason your way through this rough patch.
I want to feel hope. I think that is a long way off for now. But I can find my peace again, it was there. I felt it. And contentment, too.
This is just a temporary setback. I have to believe that.
The last sentence is very correct. I have to believe that.
You want to feel hope again. You felt peace.
Believe in hope. Believe in peace. To have peace - be peaceful.
Feelings are temporary. Feel them, and acknowledge them for they are real. Then quit feeding them. Rationalize your fears and the irrational causes of these temporary intense feelings. Your intellect is stronger than your emotions, you are the LBS not the MLCer.
It is humbling to see just how close we actually are to our spouses, to get a tiny taste of what they are enduring.
Believes can be created or destroyed by thoughts and feelings. Thoughts can influence your beliefs and feelings. You want hope, peace, compassion, forgiveness - think that way. This will create feelings that support that. Feed those feelings! These feelings and thoughts will reinforce and create beliefs of hope, peace, compassion, and forgiveness.
Your beliefs, your values, your convictions, your spirit - is where those very virtues live. Get in you intellectual car and start it up. Then get in your spiritual car and start feeding them.
This part of the path is expected, it is rough and painful, and leads to a much better place.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
For me I have chosen to embrace limbo. I have a many desires to do otherwise. My beliefs are stronger. One of them: I will not date while married, a belief, a conviction, that incredibly has been tested by so many different people. Stories of their own divorces taking years and all the while dating. It sounds and feels so compelling, I could just go for it. No, I have to live with myself, and feelings are fleeting.
This struck me, as I have chosen to do the same. Although I have struggled considerably the last week, I remain firm in my belief that Standing is right for me now, and dating while married goes against the core of who I am ....a person who believes in her vows. I can also see how complicated my life would be if I added that into the mix. My emotions are all over the place now, I don't want to add loathing to the list.
Originally Posted by DnJ
There is a lot of anxiety and anxiousness in your post. A lot of worry and fear about possible future events. You are correct with your assessment of it being irrational. That does not mean crazy, it just means not logically based. Get in you intellectual car and reason your way through this rough patch.
Yes. Anxiousness. It is a very strong pull into the dark side. I do tend to dwell way too much on future events. Why worry until there is something to worry about? Ah, the logic is so clear. Emotions cloud the logic.
I'm clawing my way out of anxiousness, but it has a strong hold. Another event happened today that pulled me back hard. Something to do with Hs work. Could be real trouble. But again. I don't know anything about it, yet, so I will try not to worry about some future, unknown event.
Anxiousness. Go away.
DnJ - I will look at your post about fear, but I think I need a break. Boot Camp soon. It helps clear my head.
Grace, I too have really struggled the past few days. I want to stand, but then whats the point ? Then i want to stand, etc. Been trying to read up on as much as I possibly can aoubt self growth and what not. I do go back and fourth a lot. I am extremely anxious about the situation still as its only been a few months . I just think why do I want to be with someone who wants nothing to do with me right now ? IT hurts so bad to know what she is doing to me . Then again, I know that we had was good , I can think with logic about the good memories and good times in our marriage. She is lookin thru the fog and projecting things at me and only thinking negatively. Whether shes waw, ww I do not know but whatever it is isn't my wife. Its that darned alien.
I've really been reading into depression from her not being able to get pregnant and what that could have done to her mentally. Also with her being on the drug clomid for a litlte bit and that has major side effects of depression as well. I am wonderin if it just was too much and sent her into a extreme case of depression. So therefore she pushed me away .
For now my stance doesn't change and I stand for our marraige and the vows we took that day.
