[Wanted1]

So sorry to hear this. There will be other difficult things to deal with, I believe the day that the children find out is the hardest.

Become "Supper Dad" while it is your parenting time.

Now is a good time for you to double down on your DBing efforts as well. Reread sandi list as well as all the links you received right after your first post.


Take stock of what you have done, what you believe is the right thing to do. Come up with a plan and execute the plan.


Sorry again.

Thank you, RC. I will go back and read those. That is very good advice. I need to focus on making them permanent and not second guessing whether what I’m doing is the right thing or if it’ll be a slip up. Almost needs to be calculated until it becomes second nature which is the hardest.

[AnotherStander]

The house is SO quiet. This will be the first night of my new life where I don't have my kids everyday. It's so weird, 6 mo ago I would look forward to nights where I didn't have kid responsibilities. Now, all I want is my family back together again. Those stupid "why me? what did I do to deserve this" thoughts came creeping in. I tried to suppress them quickly but this just blows. I'm sure tonight will be the worst and it will gradually get better....

This part that you're going through was I think the hardest part for me. It does get better and it will happen quickly, but nevertheless it's miserable hell right now and I am sorry you're going through it.

On another note, a week ago or so, W texted me something the basically inferred that my DBing showed her that I didn't want her back. That my actions showed her her decision to leave, file, etc. were justified. I didn't respond. I thought about that text again last night as I was lying in bed. Wondering if I would have done something different for these past 2 months would have changed anything. Then I remembered reading a vet's advice on another thread the other day which basically inferred that it doesn't matter what you do, you will always be wrong and/or it will never be enough.

Yes, absolutely. Like most WAS's she is busy justifying her position and shifting the blame to you. It's your fault she wanted out of the M, and it's your fault she is staying out of the M. It's just the typical rewriting of history.

[Wanted1]

Journaling --

Nothing really major to report. Kids and I went on the vacation I booked back in November. W was pretty anxiety filled prior to us leaving. She came to the house to say goodbye the night before we left and as she was leaving I thanked her for being OK with me taking the kids on the vacation and I got a pretty nasty sneer. Oh well.

A couple days prior to us leaving, on a day when I had the kids, my oldest (D7) said to me "Mom said she wasn't invited on the vacation." I told D7 that that isn't true at all. (W would have been invited if she wanted to be part of the family moving forward. She knew this, I believe) I asked W about this and she said she did not say that, that she told them this was Daddy's special trip with them. Not sure who to believe. I find it hard to believe that D7 would make that up but who knows...

The vacation was awesome. Kids had so much fun! It was a great time. We got back last week and then I left last weekend for some GAL with a couple friends.

I'm not sure if I wrote about this in my previous posts because it's been awhile, but prior to leaving on the vacation, I told W I need to see her proposed settlement and custody agreement. She gave it to me the week before we left (2 weeks ago) and of course it was almost a complete 180 from what she verbally agreed to beforehand and what we've talked about. We emailed back and forth a couple times regarding it and the last email that was sent was me explaining to her the reasons why I don't think I need to pay her any type of a settlement in the amount she had proposed in the draft she created. I still haven't heard back from her. She has not responded to it or given me any type of a counter-offer. Is this a sign of her dragging her feet? Not sure. I'm curious about it though. Also, the fact that she purposefully made it a point to tell our kids during their BD that we aren't getting a D really boggles my mind. If I remember right, as she was telling them we aren't getting a D she sort of trailed off with a 'at least not right now.' Very interesting to me......What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I'm going to wait her out and see if/when she finally brings something back to me. The ball is in her hands. If she wants to play ball she is going to have to do something with it.

[LH19]

W,

It is not uncommon for the WW to give false hope prior to an agreement in hopes it may influence a favorable settlement.

I agree with you that the ball is in her court and you need to just wait for a response.

[Wanted1]

Well, it's been a while for me, but today is D day. W finally agreed to most of my demands in how we would split up property, custody, etc. I relented on a few minor things that I can live with. I believe I have truly detached after a long road of getting there. No emotion, really, today whatsoever. It is sad to think that 9.5 years will now be over with the stroke of a judge's pen but what can you do. I'm not focusing on that, I'm focusing on a bright future ahead.

Our 60 day cooling off period was up last week. I hadn't heard a thing from W regarding property division, etc. since very early in January. The weekend before last, I decided to send her a message and let her know that we need to get this finished up. I'll be honest and say that part of that was because I received unsolicited information that OM sent her flowers on Valentine's Day to her work. That was the final straw. I was willing to 'do nothing' for awhile, but I finally decided that I'm over it. Over her and over the situation. I wasn't willing to subject myself to her and the process any longer. She sent me a revised draft of an agreement on Wednesday and we both signed Friday and sent it to the court for the judge to sign the order. After she had signed, I told her that I simply wanted her to end our marriage with some honestly and admit to me that she lied when she said she wasn't naive enough to think that the grass is greener elsewhere and to admit that she lied to me when she told me she was going to cease communication with him until our relationship was completely over. Of course she couldn't be honest with me and told me that the flowers were anonymous and that she felt she was better off alone. Both lies. I laughed to myself and thought, good riddance.

I had a GAL trip with some friends at the beginning of February. Met a girl who will be very long distance but we have been talking a ton for the past 4 weeks or so. The amount of things we have in common is utterly mind blowing. A couple nights ago she text me "you seem too good to be true." I can't tell you how great it felt to hear that from such a beautiful woman. We have plans to meet up in a couple weeks. I truly believe the distance factor will help simply because the dynamics of it will require us to take things slow and I'll still have quite a bit of time on my own and for myself. It won't be like I'm jumping into a full blown relationship right away.

I cannot say whether or not DB would have work in my situation had I followed everyone's advice from the get go. Part of me thinks it wouldn't have made a difference. But, I will say that I think it absolutely expedited the process of moving on and becoming a better individual. I truly appreciate everyone's comments and advice that they have given me on here and also found comfort and additional advice and the like in following some of the other sitches. If I were to give any newcomer any tidbits, it would be to listen to the vets and do as they say immediately. I didn't at first and like I already said, I can't say whether it would have helped save my marriage or not, I just know that nothing else worked so you might as well use their knowledge to your advantage.

I hope to continue to check the forum out and keep up on some of the sitches I've been following. I know none of us want D, but I've come around to the line of thinking that mine is probably for the best. I hate it for my kids. I hate that I won't be able to spend every day and every holiday with them, but I also know that I'll make the most of every day and holiday I do get with them and they will always come first. Someday, they will understand what I went through and hopefully they will look at me with that much more admiration, appreciation and respect.

[Twofeet]

Wanted,

If DB didn't help you save you MR then yeah the side effect was helping you better yourself. If I recall you had it pretty bad from the get go, but you are here now and still moving forward. You can always come over the the dark-side (surviving the big D) there are some vets on there with really good experiences and advice to share post-D.

[Wanted1]

Wanted,

If DB didn't help you save you MR then yeah the side effect was helping you better yourself. If I recall you had it pretty bad from the get go, but you are here now and still moving forward. You can always come over the the dark-side (surviving the big D) there are some vets on there with really good experiences and advice to share post-D.

That's a great idea. Is that board as active as this one?

[Twofeet]

Wanted,

If DB didn't help you save you MR then yeah the side effect was helping you better yourself. If I recall you had it pretty bad from the get go, but you are here now and still moving forward. You can always come over the the dark-side (surviving the big D) there are some vets on there with really good experiences and advice to share post-D.

That's a great idea. Is that board as active as this one?

Its active, but not as active as this one. I has fewer viewers and I think they all have been around for a long time. They all post here from time to time and some newcomers go over there and post from time to time.

Here is an analogy.
Newcomers is where everyone shows up because they are bleeding out and in a panic they are trying to stop the bleed. Surviving the Big D is full of people who stopped the bleeding, had the arm amputated, and now are learning to or have learned to live without it.

[Ready2Change]

had the arm amputated, and now are learning to or have learned to live without it.

I now have 5 arms.

[SoTorn]

Journaling --

Nothing really major to report. Kids and I went on the vacation I booked back in November. W was pretty anxiety filled prior to us leaving. She came to the house to say goodbye the night before we left and as she was leaving I thanked her for being OK with me taking the kids on the vacation and I got a pretty nasty sneer. Oh well.

A couple days prior to us leaving, on a day when I had the kids, my oldest (D7) said to me "Mom said she wasn't invited on the vacation." I told D7 that that isn't true at all. (W would have been invited if she wanted to be part of the family moving forward. She knew this, I believe) I asked W about this and she said she did not say that, that she told them this was Daddy's special trip with them. Not sure who to believe. I find it hard to believe that D7 would make that up but who knows...

The vacation was awesome. Kids had so much fun! It was a great time. We got back last week and then I left last weekend for some GAL with a couple friends.

I'm not sure if I wrote about this in my previous posts because it's been awhile, but prior to leaving on the vacation, I told W I need to see her proposed settlement and custody agreement. She gave it to me the week before we left (2 weeks ago) and of course it was almost a complete 180 from what she verbally agreed to beforehand and what we've talked about. We emailed back and forth a couple times regarding it and the last email that was sent was me explaining to her the reasons why I don't think I need to pay her any type of a settlement in the amount she had proposed in the draft she created. I still haven't heard back from her. She has not responded to it or given me any type of a counter-offer. Is this a sign of her dragging her feet? Not sure. I'm curious about it though. Also, the fact that she purposefully made it a point to tell our kids during their BD that we aren't getting a D really boggles my mind. If I remember right, as she was telling them we aren't getting a D she sort of trailed off with a 'at least not right now.' Very interesting to me......What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I'm going to wait her out and see if/when she finally brings something back to me. The ball is in her hands. If she wants to play ball she is going to have to do something with it.

My WW is doing the same with the settlement. Tells me one thing and tries to low ball me on the settlement. Then threatens to fight custody if i want more.