My new job is great I'm back to doing what I was before so I went right at it. We never really combined finances so separating those was easy and we split the kids informally 50/50. I went through the vengeance and hatred already ( wish I would have read this site before then) I said awful things to her I called her a W@#$re twice and we yelled and screamed at each other. ( I have never done anything like that before) We really haven't talked since then just about the kids nothing about us. I felt awful about what happened she said her bad stuff also but I am better than that. This was Dec 8th. I don't know how to let her know the door is still open if she ever changes her mind. For now I have been N/C and don't see that changing anytime soon. She is living with her first husband at the moment as she had nowhere else to go. She has cheap rent he gave her a job so she isn't feeling the loss of income from her choices. My daughters B-day is in April I plan on doing them separate but I also don't want to seem petty but she is choosing a life without me in it. So I can't do anything but give it to her.
Focus on Now Become that W that she fell in love without telling W Change because you want to change.
I did everything as begging, crying, getting on my knees Blah blah blah. Something I would have never done but it's done with
So this week after almost 2yrs when W finally started talking To me. Remember right now your W isn't even listening to you You will know when. I look at my W and said Hey W am sorry again for everything W looked into my eyes and said Thank you M and I know you are I accept you apology.
So this day will come for you. Don't remind W what you did When the time is ready just say it.
But right now just be that guy and super dad with a Cape with No expectations always.
Your W must go through this it will take time and years
Am going on 2yrs since BD But I think W mentally check out after almost me dying That 4yrs I now can see pictures of W check out.
So if you want go back to pictures and you will see the shark eyes There eyes do change is crazy but is like a dead soul. You will Start realizing when W check out.
It's take me 2yrs almost so remember One day at a time
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Your informal arrangement does sound like it is working, so I would not change anything. You might want to consider seeing a lawyer to inquire what might happen and where you would stand in that. This is just for information, in case W pushes something. This is not to actually start any proceedings, and you do not tell W about it or anything you learn.
I can certainly understand you feeling awful for the exchange of words between her and you. This is very stressful, so be gentle on yourself, learn from it, and continue to move forward.
Why do you see N/C not changing anytime soon? Is N/C being implemented by you, her, or both?
If you want to let her know the door is open, show her instead of telling her. You have 50/50 custody so you two must converse a little here and there. Tell her you are planning a birthday party for D7 and are wondering if she would like to attend. Whether she accepts or not you have demonstrated an open door.
Your attitude of her attendance is that it is best for D7. It is difficult, but when it comes to the kids put their needs first and be a team with their Mom.
Originally Posted by Father5
So I can't do anything but give it to her.
Negative statements like that have a way of getting inside us and taking hold. Yes, strictly speaking what you said is true, when just looking at her.
However, you can be the best Dad you can be. You can heal, find compassion and understanding. You can grow and learn. You can be an awesome role model for your sons and daughters, and other people as well. I am sure you get the idea.
You are doing fine buddy.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ , Marina, I don't think the N/C will change anytime soon because it was implemented by me, but I am supposed to wait for her to come to me before it's changed or so I thought. I think she is still with the other man so there isn't room for three of us. I am not interested in being friends at this point. I think she would be cake eating if we where. We do kid exchanges at school so we don't see each other hardly at all. When we do she hides behind the door when I drop off at her place and she waits down stairs when she picks up at mine. Though she did say something to me yesterday as my daughter has has the flu. " I am not sending Daughter to school tomorrow as I don't think she is well enough". "I am sick too". I know it's a small sentence and I probably reading to much into it. But I didn't respond to her being "sick too" I just said we will see how she is feeling tomorrow and go from there.
No contact is a tool for you. It is to help you heal, to give you space for yourself. It is not going to fix her or wake her up.
You do not have to wait for her to contact you, although that is probably a sound recommendation. While she is wrapped up in infatuation your words will have no meaning, you might as well save your breath. She needs to go through these feelings and grow. If and when you two do talk, be kind and friendly, short and to the point, businesslike. You are correct you two are not friends right now; your friends don’t treat you that way.
You need to become the best version of yourself. Do all that inner work, and find out who F really is. Find your headings and keep walking forward. Be a man she would be a fool to leave.
Time and space. She needs it. She will take it. So give it to her.
Her affair has to crash and burn, she needs to miss you, and then look within herself. Your best chance at helping her, and a reconciliation, is to focus on you and your kids and let her go, let her run. This is just a chance. However you will be better from all your efforts no matter what happens.
Focus on you and kids. Choose better not bitter.
How is your detachment coming along?
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Detachment is going ok. I have my moments but I haven't had a chance to test it all that much either. I haven't really seen her in months, So I can't say how detached I am. But I can assume I am still very attached as I do think about her at times. I miss my friend the most at times it's not even about the intimacy it's the little things playing tennis watching a show or something. I feel alone but that is getting better and easier to deal with.
What I consider detachment is uncoupling your feelings from W. Detachment brings an end to the uncontrolled and irrational causing of feelings within you due to your W’s actions, behaviours, or even just thoughts of her. You still feel those feelings, it is just you gain back control of them.
Time and space are excellent for helping you find this regaining of control. I think you may be farther along than you give yourself credit. How do you sleep? Can you sleep through the night?
Your statement of thinking about her at times and missing her and all the little things is normal. I am assuming you feel pain and anguish when thinking about her. Does it incapacitate you? Bring you to your knees? I believe you are passed that from what I’ve read. That is detachment.
Your feelings when you think of her are withdrawl from your addiction to her. All perfectly normal, and a painful process to get through. This all takes time and leads to letting go, over coming fears, and indifference. Not necessarily in any particular order, kind of all at the same time, with little bits of each staring and stopping along the way.
Indifference is when your feelings for her are greatly reduced or muted. Something for you to realize and consider. You will get to a place when you don’t feel like you do right now, don’t feel for her almost at all. If you want to be in this for the long haul, even if you don’t, find yourself. Discover Father5.
See what your beliefs, values, and convictions really are. Find what you are willing to die for, and what you are willing to negotiate. From here look at yourself. Are you happy with who you are? Change any beliefs you want to change, make yourself better, become the person you always wanted to be. This is a profound and life altering journey, not for the faint of heart.
I know you do not want this mess you are in. At the start I certainly didn’t want my path that I was force on to. Now, I would not trade it in, the gifts are far better than the cost. You have a rare opportunity that most people will never experience. You have access to the deep recesses of yourself, you can view and alter - you.
I know you are not at that point, I am just showing a path, showing you better not bitter. You are on your path and it will take time.
And you currently have the gift of time, use it well.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am sleeping well now and through the night. I still cycle from time to time. I am fully working on me. I am seeing an I/C a couple times a month. I am exercising regularly and getting out there. I joined a tennis league and a softball league which should be fun. I do have to dig a little deeper to find myself and what my likes and wants are. I was so busy doing for others I forgot about me. I need to find this guy for sure. I was a cool dude once.
You are on the right track, i.e., rediscovering yourself and being happy w/the person you are and continue to want to be. Think back to when you were single, what did you enjoy doing? Make a list of those things that you wish/want to accomplish and then begin w/one item and continue from there.
I think you are doing great. Keep up the good work and yes, you will cycle from time to time, but as you heal, you will notice that the cycling time will soon be shorter and shorter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So when I picked my daughter up my wife came outside to greet me and hand me her bags. This is only the 2nd time she has come out from behind the door. She was extremely pleasant and even gave my daughter some French Toast to make for me. I didn't know how to act or what to say. It was awkward to say the least but if she was temp checking I failed I was extremely nervous. But I didn't say anything bad or even ask how she was I kept it about my daughter and business like. Just Nervous I need to drop the rope.
