So remember I said that I thought God spoke to me in my despair and said "Wait". "Wait"? Then the word "Patience". These words have popped up in my brain randomly since then. Well, I receive daily devotionals from RejoiceMinistries. I don't open all of them. But what came this morning? A devotional with the title "Waiting". Whoa. Kinda cool.
I need to reread it though, and do some heavy praying tonight. I've been praying on and off all day. It was a rough day. I functioned at work o.k., but thoughts of my Hs indecision and possibly entertaining getting a place together with OW just would not leave my mind. Visions of them smiling, laughing, loving. Things I haven’t gotten for so long. I mean for 8 or more hours straight. The stomach butterflies just won't leave, either.
Feelings of Anger - How dare he leave me in limbo! Why can't he get his sh** together! What the heck am I waiting around for? For him to choose me? Doesn't that devalue me? How do you differentiate between Standing and waiting to be Plan B?
I wait because I believe it’s the right this to do at this moment in time.
Feelings of embarrassment – if he goes public with OW, I’m going to be mortified! The perceived whispers of “poor Grace”, her H hooked up with HER (she’s known in a wide circle of acquantances). But why should I feel mortified? He’s the one that’s acting like a fool. I’ve kept my integrity. But the feeling is there all the same.
Irrational, probably. Something to work on.
Feelings of despair – Even if H wanted to try to repair the M, how is that possible? Isn’t there too much water under the bridge? Am I just wasting more time? I’m 55! Am I going to be in limbo when I’m 60?
This is given up to prayer regularly. Anything is possible with God, but it seems impossible when you look at the facts. I need to remind myself it’s not wasted time if I am finding things to fulfill me in the meantime.
Feelings of profound sadness - I can’t believe my marriage got to this point. Could it have been avoided? I’m sad H is incapable of turning to me in his despair. Why is he incapable? It hurts.
I don’t know what to saw about this. *sigh*
Feelings of doubt – Maybe I should never have asked him to move out.
But without working on his issues, he would have sought HER, or someone, something else – alcohol, porn, sharing naked pictures with strangers, or whatever. He’s probably still doing that anyway. He’s admitted to the alcohol.
Feelings of profound concern – H could very well be mentally ill. Probably clinically depressed. When someone tells you they “think they may be going in sane”, you believe them.
In sickness and health, ‘till death do us part. I think this is one of the biggest reasons I stand today. To see him through his storm, and to show him there is one person that will never abandon him no matter how hard he tries to make it so. He feels he’s not worthy of my love. I want him to some day truly believe he is. I pray for this.
I want to feel hope. I think that is a long way off for now. But I can find my peace again, it was there. I felt it. And contentment, too.
This is just a temporary setback. I have to believe that.
