Dating after Divorce

[Twofeet]

I think on that scale the importance of sex in a R is a 9 or 10 for me. I see it as one of the best ways to show love, emotional bond, and share that intimacy and connection. It's just how I am wired. Now for XW it was much lower on the scale, and always has been. I had clues of this before marriage, but when you value waiting till marriage there are consequences to upholding those values. In as far as frequency goes I had to lower my expectations and she had to increase her willingness and we had to meet somewhere in the middle. Its not a show stopper however with anything involving 2 parties there is always a compromise/workaround. However, I must say due the difference in our drives and my XW being a taker and not a giver, I began to develop covert contracts for sex. It caused problems, but it wasn't what caused the downfall of our MR.

I am also reading what some of you are saying about sex and the woman having lower drive or pain due to problems in the MR, love, feeling safe, etc. Sometimes I am sure that is the case and sometimes it is not. My XW had some pain related issues that appeared to be hereditary and sought help from her OB/GYN on the issue. Some of this was an issue even before sex with just lady Dr. visits causing pain/problems. For XW the sex related pain really didn't go away until after the birth of our first child. Some of her issues were also HUGE mental hangups. So big of mental hangups I often wondered if something happened to her as a child/teenager. These hangups extended beyond just sex to feminine issues that occurred up to BD, but beyond I don't know anymore. So maybe it was me and maybe with a new partner her scale will ramp up, but I kind of doubt it since some of her problems extended beyond sex.

So like everyone here I think valuing sex in a R on the same level (both in frequency and quality), is important. I do wonder if one values more or less than the other is that a no go or if both of you are willing to be complementary and compromise does that work as well?

[kml]

Honey, "normal" is just a setting on a dryer.

Lol so true! I hope nobody out there is comparing themselves negatively to some of the numbers thrown about here because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. And there are so many things that go into libido - emotional, physical, hormonal, cultural. I think it's just important to find a partner with a similar drive and make an effort to accomodate your differences.

[Dawn70]

Honey, "normal" is just a setting on a dryer.

Lol so true! I hope nobody out there is comparing themselves negatively to some of the numbers thrown about here because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. And there are so many things that go into libido - emotional, physical, hormonal, cultural. I think it's just important to find a partner with a similar drive and make an effort to accomodate your differences.

EXACTLY my point, kml! Thank you for summing it up so much better than I even got it out there to start with.

[pinn]

Ahhh I think I didn’t properly wordmy question or thoughts... per usual. So let me reframe to try and get to the point I meant to. My initial question had nothing to do with frequency. I said it was an 8 for me on the important scale but I would be more than happy with meaningful encounters every two weeks vs meangingless ones everyday. Of course when you look at like that, everyone will rate sex high right? But in my marriage I didn’t, for whatever reason, I said it is what it is and other things make up for it. Again, nothing to do with frequency and I didn’t even think it was a problem until I look back.

So how important is ‘chemistry’? Is it even a thing? Or is ‘chemistry’ simply a marker of the state of your relationship and how things are going in your lives?? Can you have a lasting romantic relationship with little sexual chemistry?? It’s hard for me to answer this because I was with more or less with one person for 20 years so I don’t know much different. Does ‘chemistry’ go away with time??

Obviously I got the ‘chemistry’ talk on BD haha! But I am genuinely curious.

[kml]

"Chemistry" can be looked at a few ways.

First, of course, is infatuation - which does not last. Infatuation is that initial drug-like "high" of a new relationship. This is why one should usually wait until you've known someone a couple of years to marry - it can take that long for infatuation to wear off and for you to see the real person.

Sexual chemistry - is usually a combination of infatuation and pheromones. It can be lost but it's hard to manufacture - that is, if you're dating someone that you feel no sexual attraction to, it seldom develops.

In a good relationship, the initial infatuation is replaced with a deeper, warmer love and sexuality can become even better through more intimate knowledge of your partner.

In all too many relationships though it seems that infatuation wears off, that deeper love doesn't really take its place or sex is neglected, then the couple ends up in a sexless marriage.

Bear in mind though - when most WASs say they've lost "chemistry" with their spouse, it usually just means they are temporarily befuddled by that "high" of infatuation with a new partner.

[JujuB]

I’m agreeing with the sex is the perfect barometer theory. If all is good in a relationship, needs are met, I feel appreciated, cherished, etc. I’m gonna want to have more sex. If I feel resentful or if I notice decreased effort being put in to me or the relationship I’m not gonna feel as connected and I’m not gonna want sex as much. I don’t think it’s a physical difference in desire as I’m still gonna fantasize. But probably not about my partner.

You guys can increase the chemistry by making your partner feel physically desired...not just oh, it’s the morning I’ve got a h on.. but a being obviously turned on by something she did or is wearing or saying. flirting with her. Making her feel likes she’s irresistible. Building up the sexual tension throughout the day so she has to think about it let her catch you looking at cleavage or bending over etc. Irs a look of desire.

You also need to maintain chemistry by emotionally connecting with her. Or helping her. If she’s overwhelmed offer to help. It requires daily effort not just the effort you put in early in the relationship.

[Twofeet]

I wanted to fire this thread up some more for discussion and to learn from all you experienced folks.

I don't know from the post-D woman's perspective, but from the post-D man's view do the women just start coming out of the woodwork or is did I just have the husband blinders on before? At times I feel like chum in shark infested water, and this is a very new feeling I am not used to.

Here is something else... When XW moved out I figured I would keep putting in the work on myself then when D came around I could start dating. Post-D people here said slow your roll which I agree with. I am not ready, I still have very quiet feelings for XW that come and go at times. However, I am starting to just feel "meh" about all this potential dating and intimate R in general. Did this happen to anyone? I mean I have already had the opportunity to date a few women without even trying, but as I alluded to I am not ready. I just haven't been feeling the interest in dating even though the women are very interesting. The initial excitement in the idea of it all is just gone.

Some aspects of life from a post-D lens just isn't that great anymore. Maybe I am being naive.

[pinn]

However, I am starting to just feel "meh" about all this potential dating and intimate R in general. Did this happen to anyone? I mean I have already had the opportunity to date a few women without even trying, but as I alluded to I am not ready. I just haven't been feeling the interest in dating even though the women are very interesting. The initial excitement in the idea of it all is just gone.

Some aspects of life from a post-D lens just isn't that great anymore. Maybe I am being naive.

Yea man this is what I was talking about in my thread. I have the same feeling and I don’t understand it. In my case especially, I would really like a family. Well times a ticking and yet I don’t do anything about it... bizarre. In my case there no feelings about XW involved but still... nada. I know I could have many dates with some effort but... I dunno.

[kml]

Depression - an understandable side effect of being a LBS - puts a big damper on libido and general enjoyment of things. If you're feeling "meh" about dating, evaluate whether you might be depressed.

If not, then it just might be an unwillingness to be vulnerable again.

In my case, I will definitely say that having a healthy libido was a driving factor in getting me out there dating.

As for the question of people coming out of the woodwork - well, for me as a woman in her 50's when my ex left, it wasn't exactly like that - BUT - I did notice men more and as a result, they seemed to notice me more. I think when I was married I just didn't look at other men and must not have given off any vibe of being available.

[Twofeet]

I don't know about Pinn, but I don't believe its depression. I'm in IC I think they would have picked up on that. My life has been pretty good post-D and on the up and up in the near future. I wonder if it's my own personal sitch, and having my core values rocked that has me slowly getting jaded. I know my core beliefs have changed drastically since BD. kml maybe it's like you said and I am just unwilling to be vulnerable and building unconscious walls.