Should have made plans this past weekend because I definitely fell into the rabbit hole of loneliness and abandonments and "what ifs". I guess I have to be proud that its the exception to the rule and for the most part I've been successful in changing my attitude and my outlook, which was a part of my 180 plan, to not be so critical and negative. Next week I will be better and make plans to go out.
Despite that, H seems to still move farther and farther from me. I think he just got so used to living a parallel life from me that this doesn't seem any different to him. The avoidance just continues. I think I saw him briefly (like 5 minutes) last week and haven't seen or heard from him since. Reading these posts that other people have written and taking advice from my mom has really helped. My mother (the DB) gave me some really good advice. She told me that regardless of how I change and better my life and move on, he may never do the same. He may be so far gone in this version of himself that he can't pull it back and reconcile it with the person that he was before. And its not my fault and there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't wait around for it hoping that it will happen and crying about it if it doesn't.
He's not the man I married anymore. He's rewriting history. He's even saying weird things (that aren't necessarily important but makes me wonder what happened to his memory) like "I didn't know you drank red wine!" ...we've been together for ten years... We've drank many bottles of red wine together. Or commenting on a pair of headphones that he didn't know I owned when he was there when I bought them. Just weird stuff like that that I chalk up to him wearing the blinders on his life right now and choosing to only see what he wants to see.
Just a few more weeks here folks, and I'll be on my way
