Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Rita]

This morning while looking out upon my yard and trees I thought of you.

If you think of me when looking at your beloved trees, I am in some very good company. With the trees, I mean. Thank you for thinking of me in any context but especially among the trees!

This makes me think of one of my favorite books,Phantastes, by George Macdonald. I think I mentioned it before. You'll understand why if you read it. Also because of the shadow, one of the most true things I have ever encountered in literature.

I do truly understand.

Yes, you definitely do.

I hope all remains calm and clear with you as well dear friend.

Honestly, it was not. But one of the days I was low beyond bearing, I couldn't function at all. But I just made myself sit with it and pray my way through my day, biking to a work thing, biking to court (not D, the other thing). And just when I thought I could not bear more, my phone rang, and it was Rejoice Ministries. I said, "Oh, gosh, I am just going into (work thing), but I am so glad to hear from you if you want to pray for half a minute." And the wonderful lady on the other end just launched instantly into the most beautiful prayer. I was flabbergasted as to how it happened that I forced myself to lean on God and he provided that. I have not had a call from Rejoice in many many months, and this call really had nothing to do with anything, like a prayer request or a donation or something. It came out of nowhere, but right when I felt I couldn't bear it.

And that low dark moment passed, and I have been good, still trying to wean myself from the Board but did have a bit of setback on the screen front -- on Friday some woman in a cafe told me about this Netflix series called, "Shtisel." I started it on Friday. Twelve episodes in season one. They are all now watched by me. So you can imagine the wreck that is my house and work life as a result.

There is such a howling wind outside my window and the one tree out front whose branches claw my window like the tree in Wuthering Heights. This is so unusual, as I am in a city, but it's so wonderful. S13 and I just took a midnight walk through the windy streets and I had to take all these cool photos of him in his cool gear. We had a long talk about his dad and the divorce and the custody. He asked if he could just refuse to see his dad. He told me that when he is with his dad lately, H didn't talk about me, but that it just felt "unnatural" to be with him. Kids can feel the waves of crazy too.

And I said, Yes, no one can force you to see him. But I want to encourage you to see him, to know him as much as you can. It will be good for you to always know your dad, and it will not be good for you to cut him off.

And I felt a lot of peace being able to say, yes, it is true that his dad is pretty crazy but to encourage him to see him.

And then he asked me what I would do if H came back, if we divorced, would H be allowed back, etc. And I said, yes, and showed him I still was wearing my ring. He said, "Are you going to take it off when the divorce goes through?" And I said, No, I am married by God, not the city. I will still be married by God no matter what the city says. And his whole countenance of tough teen shifted. His whole face started beaming, and he actually lifted his hand for a high five. I slapped him five and he just looked so COMFORTABLE suddenly. It was so incredible, like I could see what my standing in faith meant for my son, far beyond anything that might happen with H. I saw that i was teaching my son what faith looks like, and that it brought him peace outside our difficult circumstances.

Goodnight, dark trees and gleaming snow beyond the light from DnJ's window!