Rocky Road

[Miler]

Steve,

Great question. For me, detaching is allowing each of us to have the space and freedom to be who we are, not to be enmeshed or co-dependent. Letting go of control...particular of her. It also means that I have to be to a point where I don't rely on her or the relationship for happiness...or any of my mood states for that matter. Right now, I'm afraid my hopes and mood are dependent on our interactions...which is why I'm conveying that this is hard.

Adam,

Thanks for chiming in, I appreciate the feedback. Yes, quite sure she's not seeing OM or anyone else. There are no signs...I know for a fact that it's not the guy she dated when we were separated. He was her ex-BF from right before we got together in 1998. It ended badly in 2015 and she said the only reason she dated him while we were separated was because she felt like there may have been "unfinished business" that she never let go of him and the way he made her feel. Over the last 4 years, he has since married and moved 800 miles away. She made it very clear to me and the MC that there was no one else and she learned in 2015 that seeing someone before everything else was resolved in a R was a terrible idea (she likely made that mistake with me in 1998). Have we healed from that separation in 2015...I don't think so if I'm honest. She still has some resentment over the fact that I dated someone else. Said it made her feel that she was easily replaceable. Back to the possibility of OM, I really don't think so...obviously it always exists. However, she leaves her phone out all the time. She leaves her laptop open all the time. We have Life360 for all of our family members and it contains our drive history for the last 3 months. Gym, grocery, whole foods, lululemon, and practice (which we run together). We both work from home the majority of the time (which may actually contribute to our sitch). Not sure I understand this question...

You mentioned going on these trips and W is not happy and you wanted to be considerate of her feelings. is there a reason for that?

I do want to make sure she trusts me. I do trust her, but something doesn't feel right. She has no desire to separate or live independently, but it almost has this feeling of her just biding her time. If we separated or D now, we would not be able to afford D18's college, and it would be a financial mess. W has definitely thawed over the last month, just no evidence that she is actively working for a new and improved M. I'm sure this is just a patience thing on my side. As a matter of personality, I am super impatient, always feel like things need to be moving forward or backward, not standing still (limbo kills), and am filled with anxiety for the most part. She is super laid back, never gets stressed, procrastinates, and is always late. Pretty opposite when it comes to that. As Steve always says, WAW's actually have no trouble taking space and figuring things out in the home and taking as much time as they need. In contrast, I'm like, let's move forward or I want to run away!!