Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

Bubbs,

You'll get there. I think a big part of being needy and clingy is due to low self esteem. We are trying to fill our own deficiencies through others. Obviously, that didn't work too well. Raise your self esteem and you will realize that you don't NEED anyone else to complete yourself. What I find quite interesting is that I was never like that before. I married at 34, met my W at 33. Before that I was in no relationship longer than 6 months. I was a distancer, constantly pushing people away. I think opening myself up completely to my W and dealing with her depression and my own really threw me for a loop.

Ovr, I didn't use any other sites once I came here. I did work with an IC through an online platform for a while since I was traveling, and then I switch to in-person counseling one I came back. I told my counselors and others that the support and advice I got here was more helpful than the counseling or anything else I did. I think my sitch was helped by the fact that my W respected the distance I needed and gave it to me almost without fail. Getting away, travelling, reconnecting with old friends, making new memories, and of course all the exercise and socializing that made up my GAL - they all helped immensely as well. In terms of books, I'll be honest - there were some ideas in NMMNG that I liked (covert contracts) but I didn't finish it because it had undertones of bro-culture and misogyny that I really can't take at all. I thought It Takes One to Tango, and The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F#$# were the most helpful books, especially the latter. I even recommended that one to my W!

In terms of constant growth - for sure! There is no stasis unless you are dead. That said, I think that in your 20's or even early 30's nowadays there is a lot of wandering around aimlessly until you find what makes you yourself. It might be a job, it might be family, it might be a hobby - but you need to find it. Once you do, you can certainly keep growing, but that certainty can keep you grounded. In yoga class you use drishti or a focus on a point with your eyes in a particular pose. Once you find that point you stay focused on it and it allows you to move deeper into the pose, to relax or to stay strong through the burning of your muscles - it is the point that keeps you grounded. In different poses you have to focus on different points depending on which way you are facing, but you always find a point in each pose. I don't think my W had anything to keep her grounded and that is why she spun out.