During my legal process I discovered lots of financial infidelity. I was forced to give up on a lot because of the costs of my legal fees as well. It was an awful experience and has had serious repercussions on my life and the life of my son who was 4 at the time.
I had discovered that for at least 3 years, my ex was withdrawing 700 us dollars a week in addition to 100 dollars a day from atms in bad neighborhoods. I had also discovered through his credit card statements a secret alcohol problem.
I had similar fears and conflicting feelings. . I was worried for my ex, who in my mind was gonna overdose and resort to heroine if I pushed too hard (my ex is a professional and high functioning engineer - very well educated - but I was thinking money like that Must be attributed to pain killers) I was worried that he would lose his job if I started demanding drug tests and that it would just cost me a fortune in legal fees. I wanted things to be as amicable as they could be for my son and future relationships.
In hindsite, a more honest and dedicated attorney (this does not appear to be your issue) would have been much better for me Or perhaps mediation with a less expensive attorney to guide me not bill me at 500 per hour for simple emails and phone calls and faxes.
Regarding your children, I am not sure I would want to cover up your ex’s actions to protect them. I think that secrecy does a whole other number on them. And your children are educated adults.
My ex’s father had left him and his mother when he was very young. She took him back much later. My ex mil hid this from my ex. . Told him things like, “his father was out providing” and his father “ was a great provider”. She was always saying great things in this weird kindergarten teacher voice. I never understood that. And my ex still doesn’t know the truth. She told me this when he left me.
Point being, I don’t know if secrecy to protect is always the right thing either. It makes it hard to know what you need to heal from.
