Yorkie... so wonderful to see you on here again. It sounds as if you are in a good place. I am so glad for you. You continue to be one of the DB stars, IMO. I think it is that British practicality coming through. You and I share a similar mindset, I think. The desire to rise above and carry ourselves with dignity and respect. But no one is perfect and sometimes things happen that set us back for a moment but then, the next day, we are right back to it. You, like me, have a good support group and that is something to be very thankful for.
Our H's, on the other hand, seem to have a different mindset towards divorce. My H is pushing for it at lightening speed. I haven't quite decided why yet. IMO...either he just wants it done because he thinks his guilt and shame will magically disappear with the swipe of a pen OR he has told OW that we separated in May and he needs to maintain the façade to keep her around. I hope it is the first one but I know it is more likely the latter. As my friend said... If he was just doing his own thing and figuring himself out, why would he even care about the date? Makes sense to me but then I'm not him so I don't really know. It is in my best interest not to wonder about it too much though.
Your approach with your boys is so admirable. Many, many people would be happy their kids were mad at their dad but even though he has disrespected you and your family in every way, you rise above. Yet another thing that makes me think your H is a complete idiot. Feel good that you have done everything you could with them. It's up to them and your H now.
Anyway...work beckons. Much love to you and lots of long distance (((HUGS)))!!!
Yorkie, I too have a professional H who did things to jeopardize his license. On my counsel's advice I didn't expose it and ultimately he dropped his divorce. We are now back to limbo, but I'm fine with it. I think I'm in a similar place to where you are, but my H has been doing his stuff longer and is now reconnecting with one of the kids (the other wants no part of him). You sound very strong. It only kills us if we let it.
Thanks for your post; it's comforting to know that you appreciate the 'Hobson's choice' I currently face. I'm guessing that you didn't want the D whereas I am the one pushing?
The L and I both feel that his financial situation is probably going to get worse and if we remain married then I have liability for that. I don't know if the matrimonial laws are different here but a separation agreement does not give me sufficient financial protection.. If we agreed one and then he gets into further financial difficulty then he can go back to the judge to get the terms of the contract negated and say 'hey Judge, my circumstances have changed and I can't agree to this anymore' Now, my L could and would fight that and probably get in my favour, but court costs money that I don't have.
Of course, it works both ways. If we get D and he sees the fruits of one asset that he has then he'll be okay. We are struggling to ascertain what that asset is worth to know if I should just walk away from it, but I think that perhaps I will have to decide to take that chance, cut my losses and get the heck out of there.
I think I've shared too much with the boys about this situation, hence they continue to struggle with the R with Dad. I vowed I wouldn't lie to them so when my eldest sat down to help me look at my financial situation (he's a Chartered Accountant) there was a presumption that the house was mortgage free and that my equity share was twice what it actually is, so I had to tell him or his advice was meaningless. Perhaps i should have declined his help, but he so wanted to help me with his expertise and in the early days of not being able to think straight, I welcomed that.
I guess what I've learned is that sexual betrayal wasn't an isolated incident. For me, it goes hand in hand with other bad decision making and manipulation. Skeletons in the closet and all that.
I guess if I was in his position I would stall on full disclosure of the reality as well. Furthermore, I work for the Police and so have a reasonable pension (even though I have another 20 years to realise it) The longer he stays married to me, the more of that he would be entitled to. It transpires that he's cashed all of his in.
I don't want a reconciliation so want to get this finalised and move away from the whole situation. Early retirement is out of the window and I will be 68 before I can retire and claim both state and work pensions. That's daunting, but 20 years in the future is a long time away and a lot can happen in that time, so I try not to dwell on it whilst at the same time not doing what my H has done and sweep it all under the carpet for another day.
I focus on what I want the situation to look like in 12 months time and then work out the practicalities of how I get there. It's frustrating that part of that is reliant on him doing his bit, but hopefully that is a short term problem.
My H's indiscretions weren't monetary, and he seems better with money than most. But then again, anything is possible. A separation agreement would legally protect me, but my H has severe attachment/abandonment issues and I think it is pretty clear that he is never going to sign anything. I've been trying to get him to sign for 2.5 years now. It is more of a running joke than anything at this point. I could have stopped him from dismissing the divorce, but it wasn't going anywhere and was costing me a lot of money to have calls with my lawyer over what to do about his stalling and various stalking activities. He missed the first hard date in the case and we were both going to get sanctioned for it. I think he'd had something of an awakening by then, and he seemed to be really struggling. He was doing some crazy stuff for a while.
My youngest child is 15 and really wants and needs a relationship with his dad. Since he's been coming to see my son, my son is visibly calmer and happier. It also seems to be settling my H down. I don't really have to deal with him, so it isn't that big a deal to me. I'm stuck in place for a little over two years until my son graduates from high school, so I will give him some more time to sort himself out before I push to sell the house and other things that would impact my ability to do what I want in my life.
I don't think telling your children the truth (especially older children) is a bad thing. I think had you lied to them and then they found you did (even to protect your H), you could risk the loss of their trust and respect. It is up to him to fix the relationship with his sons.
Wow, planning out the next 20 years. That is a little daunting. I have a good amount of retirement that mine can't touch and he gives me lots of money now. I'm self employed so I also save a lot by staying on his medical plan. I can retire in another 10 years and live off my retirement. I'm just trying to make sure that my kids are set by the time that happens.
It is always nice to hear your updates. You have a fire in the pit of your stomach that burns bright. I know our sitchs are different so thus our approaches are different, but I honestly think you are doing everything right given the cards you were dealt. Back straight. Head high. For me "what would Yorkie do?" is a real thing
Originally Posted by Yorkie
The L and I both feel that his financial situation is probably going to get worse and if we remain married then I have liability for that. I don't know if the matrimonial laws are different here but a separation agreement does not give me sufficient financial protection.. If we agreed one and then he gets into further financial difficulty then he can go back to the judge to get the terms of the contract negated and say 'hey Judge, my circumstances have changed and I can't agree to this anymore' Now, my L could and would fight that and probably get in my favour, but court costs money that I don't have.
Your lawyer is right. They basically flag post all debts/assets as at the start and the end of your marriage and then start with 50/50 split which can get negotiated up or down depending on how much it is in your interest to fight. If, whilst you are separated his situation gets worse, then the pot you split gets worse. It only stops when you are legally divorced.
I know that you long ago dropped that rope - don't get burdened with any more of his baggage. Do you need full disclosure, or are you happy to just agree a settlement figure with only half the information available and let the cards fall where they may. Like you say, you have a decent pension, your kids are grown so there is no 'maintenance', you would know the value of the family home and can split that (at whatever ratio you agree). What else do you need: commitment to pay a portion of tuition (I cant remember if you had kids were at uni), top up on what remains of your pension after you give him half?
If his finances are as 'complex' as you believe, he will want to get this done as quick as possible. Are you willing to accept a possible low ball figure in the interest of getting it done. How low is too low given your pension and the value of the house?
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I think I've shared too much with the boys about this situation, hence they continue to struggle with the R with Dad. I vowed I wouldn't lie to them so when my eldest sat down to help me look at my financial situation (he's a Chartered Accountant) there was a presumption that the house was mortgage free and that my equity share was twice what it actually is, so I had to tell him or his advice was meaningless. Perhaps i should have declined his help, but he so wanted to help me with his expertise and in the early days of not being able to think straight, I welcomed that.
You have raised good people with sound values who (if they're anything like you) can see past the BS. Credit them with having the good sense to make their own decisions. They are not children. They do not need to be protected. Don't slag your H (even in the casual side comment way) but also don't protect him. He too is a grown man and thus responsible for his own actions. If he wants to build a relationship with your boys, then it is on him to do this. The only thing I will say is that your boys should know they come from a place of love. Their parents were two people who loved each other and wanted to build a life together. Things change. But at the time, you loved your H and he loved you. Your boys should know that.
During my legal process I discovered lots of financial infidelity. I was forced to give up on a lot because of the costs of my legal fees as well. It was an awful experience and has had serious repercussions on my life and the life of my son who was 4 at the time.
I had discovered that for at least 3 years, my ex was withdrawing 700 us dollars a week in addition to 100 dollars a day from atms in bad neighborhoods. I had also discovered through his credit card statements a secret alcohol problem.
I had similar fears and conflicting feelings. . I was worried for my ex, who in my mind was gonna overdose and resort to heroine if I pushed too hard (my ex is a professional and high functioning engineer - very well educated - but I was thinking money like that Must be attributed to pain killers) I was worried that he would lose his job if I started demanding drug tests and that it would just cost me a fortune in legal fees. I wanted things to be as amicable as they could be for my son and future relationships.
In hindsite, a more honest and dedicated attorney (this does not appear to be your issue) would have been much better for me Or perhaps mediation with a less expensive attorney to guide me not bill me at 500 per hour for simple emails and phone calls and faxes.
Regarding your children, I am not sure I would want to cover up your ex’s actions to protect them. I think that secrecy does a whole other number on them. And your children are educated adults.
My ex’s father had left him and his mother when he was very young. She took him back much later. My ex mil hid this from my ex. . Told him things like, “his father was out providing” and his father “ was a great provider”. She was always saying great things in this weird kindergarten teacher voice. I never understood that. And my ex still doesn’t know the truth. She told me this when he left me.
Point being, I don’t know if secrecy to protect is always the right thing either. It makes it hard to know what you need to heal from.
In June 2018 I was a woman who had been married for 27 years with very few problems. Now I am a single woman striding out on a future on my own. Strange how things turn out isn't it?
Hi Yorkie,
This caught my attention.
It is a long, strange trip isn't it? One that is not over until its over. I've been with my W for 25 years now, with her for over half my life. And I too am set loose unto the world, but I don't see myself as free or single. I wish I did. That would be liberating. BD felt like the wrecking ball that shattered this glass portrait of our family and I'm left to slowly pick up the pieces of myself one by one, holding on to the good and leaving the bad, trying to figure it out as I go. Maybe one day when I'm ready I'd be able to meet a wonderful woman who understands or even possibly have been there. We all come from different walks of life with different stories, but we are on the same path. You are not alone.
Your sons are old enough to know the truth. You owe it to yourself and your sons to be honest. Sometimes the struggle in that is finding the right balance. We have to be honest with ourselves in how much of the truth we share and the reasons behind it. Your sons' struggle with their dad is not your doing. They deserve to know the man they look up to is not perfect and is in fact very much imperfect and will need to readjust to that reality. It takes time.
You're strong, doing what needs to be done and planning.
Your GAL sounds awesome. Continue to take care of yourself.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
we def are all in the same boat for sure. I thought I had been with my wife for a long time at 17 years. 25 and 27 man thats a LONG time. Adam thats a way to put it I've never heard before. lbs left behind picking up the pieces one bye one alone. The thing is I dont want to be free or single, I would have never chose that. I know, its not our choice to make and that they are on their own journey. Sometimes i sit back and think you know I say I wouldnt ever walk away but im not going through what they are, im not in their shoes. I wonder what that would be like.
Bit of a dolly downer day today. Probably tired from too many GAL activities. I feel a bit down about the lack of respect that someone who was with me for 30 years could show to me and what that means about me. He told me that for the last 2 years he had no difficulty lying to me. Now, I know people will say that is no reflection on me etc etc but is that really the case? What is it about me that means that somebody could have so little respect?
FS, you are spot on with your analysis. The 1 sticking point is an unrealised asset (parcel of land with planning permission) which he claims was his plan for discharging the mortgage. It's very difficult to value as it may never get developed.
If I settle now, I will have to take a mortgage, which is fine but in 5 years time he could get a windfall from this deal. I will take a much reduced equity now due to the remortgaging of the property. We need some detail about this so that I can make a judgement, but he is stalling.
Divorce hadn't been in his plan it would seem. He was visibly shocked when I asked for the marriage certificate. I told him the Ls rationale for doing it all in one go and also that she was a little sceptical at what he had put on paper.
I don't think for a minute that the shock was to do with the R ending formally, but more to do with the realisation that 'silly little me' had actually sought legal advice and wasn't going to just accept what he proposed. He doesn't compute that 'I find it really easy to lie to you' will stay in my mind for all manner of our interactions.
Naively, I thought that once I stated that there was no longer a M then we would part amicably and fairly. It's not looking that way at the moment. I hate the fact that it gives him power over me and that it is still all about him. I gave him a deadline, so will just have to wait and see what he does.
Heading out to my friend's 50th so will forget all about this slump and enjoy good company.
So, things continue to move forward, --at a snail's pace.
H is a Lawyer and knows how this works but has failed to respond to emails and requests for 2 bits of financial information. So, I saw the L last week and she will request the information and give a 1st May deadline. If he doesn't meet it then she will make the application to court which will the give him 4 months to file the information.
In order to apply to court then there needs to be a Divorce application in process, so I am preparing that. I don't have a marriage certificate (he took everything) so have applied for a new one. In fact, in most things that I need, there is an easy and a hard way and he seems determined to force the harder way on me. Oh well.
Form E - the financial disclosure is a monster!
He has failed so far to give me a valuation of the land development or even tell me the title numbers. So, I approached a long time acquaintance who farms locally who has made a few calls and came last night with a marked map of which fields it relates to. Next step is to find the title numbers, see who it is registered to and present myself to the planning office and see if I can charm my way into them pointing out any planning applications. I have found one but not the other.
There continues to be shenanigans about joint account. I will speak to the mortgage company this week and take over the mortgage payment. It defaulted last month and will do so again if taken from the joint account. I can't afford to take over all the house payments, but need to protect the mortgage as I will need one in the future.
I need to decide what to do about the house ie when to put it on the market. When it sells then unless the financial agreement is signed then the money will be withheld from both of us. It means I can't buy somewhere to live and will have to rent. Not easy with a dog, but I'm sure something will turn up.
Trip booked for long weekend to Prague with a childhood friend. Cheapest we could find!! So looking forward to it.
I've been struggling to switch off my head. It is either thinking of Divorce, houses or work. Have been treating myself to some Bowen therapy and a recommended book and CD for guided meditation. The book is amazing. Never would have known what a complex computer the mind is. I'm a simple soul so it never really occurred to me that just because it was in my mind, doesn't mean it's true.
