This came into my mind when I read your recent posts: You have decided to stand at this moment in time. But you're a standing my hovering over him and watching his every move and trying to second guess everything that he is doing. You must stand aside from him. You must view yourself as a separate entity.
I think you need to treat him in your head as an adult child going off to University. We worry about what they may be getting up to, but we also know that we have to let them do it. AND they would only resent us if we were constantly checking up on them, watching what they're doing. Spending days obsessing about what they might be getting up to when you can't do anything about it is only going to serve to drive you insane. So, we untie the apron strings.
The kids know we are there if they need us. Mums or Dads or Mums and Dads will apply a band aid when asked. Kids need space to realise that they are their own people, and that is what we give them. They can learn to think differently to us, act differently to us, but they know (and we know) that we will accept their emerging self. Sometimes, they say and do hurtful things but we know that they still love us despite that.
Stand, but stand aside. Silently support him from afar. He knows you're there. Some kids decide to come home from college, some don't and set up their lives elsewhere.
Now, I don't use this analogy because I think your husband's a child but to try to explain that there is a difference between standing and waiting and hovering. Whether or not you can stand by and wait whilst he acts as he does is your choice to make. I chose not to because I realised that my Hs behaviour was just an extreme version of who he actually was. The clues had been there for a long long time. But, that was my choice.
If you love him, truly let him go. Work out what your fears are and then realise that you are a separate living, breathing and thinking entity. You were husband and wife, not co-joined twins.
If he choose to come home that's because Grace is great. If he chooses not to then Grace is still great. H does not make you great; you already are.
