Hi Grace - I thought I'd write it here rather than on DV's thread. I didn't realise you had moved to the ML forum. I need to learn how to follow people as had just assumed you'd stopped posting ...
Originally Posted by Grace21
He also states he's too damaged, and beyond repair,
Replace the "He" with "We" and this could have come out of my H's mouth. It smacks of depression and victimization. The infinite blackness that they can't see past.
Originally Posted by Grace21
and I'm better off without him.
And this is the future they see. Anything is better than the blackness.
But this way of thinking, if you are not strong, can be infectious and drag you down into the pit with it. Get strong. Build yourself up and get to a place where his sadness isn't your sadness. His baggage isn't your baggage. Then, if you still want to, you can help him. Not from "will this save my marriage" but "I want him to be better".
Originally Posted by Grace21
Most of my marriage was a lie, because H was unable to express deep emotional thoughts to me. He blames our marital dynamics, but I know it is much, much more, because I have many deep emotional connections to others, and he has none.
It wasn't a lie. Don't for one minute think the things that you thought were wonderful were anything less than wonderful. Marriages ARE imperfect because people are imperfect. But there was love and it was real.
I found an anniversary card, given to me two months before BD. It had two penguins on it (the mate for life reference) and inside he had written "Thank you for another wonderful year. I love you now more than ever". It floored me. Was he unhappy when he wrote it. Yes. Did he love me then more than ever. Yes. Both true. It isn't that love isn't enough, it is that the darkness twists it because that sort of pain needs to have a source.
Again, get strong. Don't write the letter. You say you want to articulate your thoughts on everything. Do you really think he can handle your thoughts on everything? At best it will make him feel bad, resent you for making him feel bad and feel manipulated, at worst, he will get defensive, turn it around so that he is the victim, resent you and feel manipulated. There is no win there.
However, I would give him a birthday card. Keep it simple, "H, I hope you have a great birthday, Grace".
Now, if anyone can provide me with instructions on how to follow people ...
