Embracing my inner me

[Rita]

I would add to the advice you had here yes, wait wait wait, but not for what it will or won't do for your H.

Your H can't hear you right now. He is inside a glass box. You can yell all you want, you can cry, pound on the walls of the box, kiss the glass. He can't hear you.

But God can hear you.

And God has told me that same message he gave you many times.

Wait.

Patience.

Imagine what might happen if you truly waited. If you went about your day, and every time you wanted to fix or to doubt or to despair, you said, "Lord, I trust you," and went back to what you were doing. When the pain hurts too much, you say it again, and you put on some Jenn Johnson and sing at the top of your lungs.

And the reason to wait is not for your H or for your marriage. It's for you. God wants you to get close to him. You can only do that when you are in a free fall of trust and not knowing what is going to happen, like a child just learning to walk and running forward into her mom or dad's waiting arms.

All the questions you are asking, all the fixing you are trying to do -- if you surrender yourself to God, you will not be asking those questions. You will have peace. You will have pain but also you will have peace.

I know you see me here at times in a chaos of confusion, but I assure you that when I trust God, I don't have that, and I don't visit the boards.

Right now when I read your posts, I see your mind racing. You are trying to solve everything your own way, your own time. You are trying to rid yourself of the pain. My catechist once told me, Don't be so afraid of suffering. You will find God there. And I have found this to be very very true. It is terrifying to accept suffering, I know!

Your H going crazy is NOT the will of God. But God will use it for the good. He can use it to change you. He can't change you if your eyes are always on your H. Put your eyes on God.

If you don't know what to pray, try a book of prayers or a novena for nine days. I know you aren't Catholic but those prayers are really valuable when you are confused, they give you a direction for your thoughts, and then they do their work on you without your trying to figure out the words.

If you want, I will do a novena with you. We can pray the same prayer everyday for nine days. We can pray for clarity for both of us, clarity and peace.