Just keep swimming, I know I can, New beginning

[marina7]

Journaling,

Well it's been strange couple of days with W

Bad and good so let's start with the bad first.
W call me early AM to say s9 has an appointment
last minute. Can I take s10and d10 I said yes

W ok
M ok
W am 10min away
M ok
W well more like 5min
M ok am here
W you sure I mean I can take them
M W am here

W drops kids off, look like W was running late
I didn't say nothing
W then comes back like an hour or two I didn't keep
Time.
W comes up and comes out of car
W say well want to tell you s9 had psychiatrist app
I of course look lost I said ok.

W then goes to explain well he is Bipolar. I of course chuckled
Because I seen this coming. I knew W was going pull some crap
Like this. I then proceed to ask questions simple ones
W says it doesn't surprise me his biological father is bipolar
Again I chuckled how do you know this.

This went on, I ask W I would like a 2nd opinion till then please
Respect I don't want s9 in medications for now.
W proceed to say M please let's try this. I said again W I would like
A 2nd opinion.

W I guess. Ok then you find it.

This is where I want to scream and yell out of anger because
W is mentally damaging our kids. Is not about the label I care less
What my kids are is while W losing her mind she wants the kids F up
Too. As I stated I have lawyer till March, which my lawyer stated
There's nothing wrong with that. I try to explain to lawyer but once
Again my lawyer seem to think there is nothing wrong with S9 being
In medications. As this might help him with outbursts

I am livid, I called my therapist as I needed to vent, she had a available
Spot. I explained everything as my therapist said you are to be concerned
And you need to get a new lawyer seems like your lawyer no longer cares

I was explained to write W a email stating my concerns about medication
Which I did try my best to explain to W and validate her concerns and mines

So just when I thought again W being so nice is to good to be true.

So this week at drop off W a d OW are there as always OW
W gets out and proceeds to walk towards me, W
Happy Birthday but it sounds like W was whispering.
I said Thank you.
W did you do anything special or special Friend
M I smirk
W So is that a yes, Ummm I would give you a hug but.....
M just stared at W.

OW must of notice W getting to close,
OW comes out, is everything ok
W yes
M smirk

I notice W caring more about what am doing. Or with who am with

So today after the whole s9 thing.

W again ask how was my birthday,
Did your girlfriend take you out.
M which one
W eyes like a deer
W wow how many girlfriends you have
M smirk
W so you having safe sex
M laugh out loud.
W you need to get yourself check to many
Crazy diseases out here.
M yelp
W so for real anything you did
M ummm had fun

W seem upset, W then proceed to kick on ice that is melting
And notice the gutter needing cleaning W said when Weather gets
Better clean that.
I replied yeah if I get to it. W stop M your not that way your like a handyman
I said if I get to it. W noticed my sleeve tattoo

Remember W hasn't touch me in 2 yrs always talks to me far away and no
Eye contact
W grab my arm and said what is that I proceeded to explain my tattoo
W your crazy, you know I didn't want you with all these tattoos.
I replied well we are not together. I can do what I want now.
W don't be to extreme, I proceed to why do you care.
W fine your right, then jump to another conversation about how W dad
Was a mean man, but how now he adores her mom more.
I said yes I see that. They got through the worse. W yeah is weird

My dad now caters to my mom he went from being an alcoholic and beating
Her to this amazing man.

I replied they got through the worse I am learning anything in this world
Could be fix, and that's what your dad is doing.

W look at me and said What happened to the old M. When did you become
So wise.

I replied with falling in my face a lot and learning from mistakes I have done

W yeah, we sometimes need that.

Mind you W not staying still walking like in circles like a teenager who is
Shy. Very weird but this must happen.

I stood cool and calm And remember DnJ and Gordie and some others
Who have help me with W process.

W proceed then to say d10 I had to talk to her. I listen
W I told d10 I will always love you will forever have love for you
But Am not in love with you.

I nodded,
W but she got mad.
I validated. And then said d10 is just tired of hearing it over and over.
I think the trio's get it. You have moved on, your not in love with me and
Your marrying other women.

W stared at me. And put her head down.

M ok W anything else W no
Ok.
I open the door as I was going in my home I turned around
W was standing there. I said Hey W

W yes with a slight smile

M I am truly sorry for any hurt I have caused you in the past
I am truly Sorry.

W eyes look at me , W I accept your apology and I know you are.

Ok bye

W hey M
M yes
W if you ever want to catch a movie or something with the kids let me know
We could.

M ok got it. Smiled


So as long this is it felt like forever I been waiting for this. I know it might not
Last expectation at zero. But it felt good to finally hear W reply and acknowledge
My apology.

I have before but W has never replied or stood that long but today W
Paused and let it process.

So any feed back about anything or what I can have done better

As I said keep at zero.

But I am seeing W is realizing her childhood isn't what she has painted it
To hear W say my dad was a horrible man made me realize W is in that
Process of her childhood.

I know her dad. He was abusive and an alcoholic, I would have never known
If W didn't tell me when we first met. But W treated him like a king he never did
Wrong. Now that I remember W kinda blamed her mom, like her mom ask
For it. Now I see W is seeing clearer. Is crazy to see these different people
In front of my eyes.

I just want W better if it takes this for W to be an amazing Mom again
Then let's do this. I just keep praying W find the light and God arms again.