Kinda New

[Father5]

Had a good day today and have been in one for a few days now, which has been amazing for me. I haven't seen or heard from my wife in over 2 months now, I am trying my best to detach. I am looking at purchasing a new home and start looking tomorrow afternoon. I do think about her often sometimes but I am trying to GAL. I do miss my best friend I do get tempted to call her and tell her about things but I know I can't. I think it is the worst part of this whole mess.

[marina7]

Father5

I am truly sorry your here and many Newbies
But you found a new virtual family.

This is your new home, remember when you want to Vent and
Scream we are here through anything.

Not sure who told me this on here but I was told you will
Get through this, a year from now you won't feel the way you do.

They where absolutely right.

Do I still have my moments Yes, do I still cry Yes do I still hurt yes

But I smile more then ever. I now can say I overcame this.

As many will give you advice, listen to lots of YouTube inspirational

Not sure if your religious but like many of us we get busy with Life,Work amd family
Kids and forget the most important person. GOD

If I must say I found my faith again I found God again. I forgot about a lot of things
I am finding me again and my relationship with my kids couldn't be better.

If you ask me will I do it again to find God again I would. I lost my wife
But I found my bestfriend God. He has not left me. I left him but he didn't with me.

So now here you go.

Let W go.
Job is so right Time is going be your new friend.

I am going on two years on April 2017

I had MlC,WAW And a monster MLC my W was all in one.

The only way to describe it, is like a tornado coming and it hit your
Home and you lost everything over night.

Best advice let your W go, and give W to God.

You will see so many different people in W.
Always remember Father5 your not crazy isn't you

I at first felt like I was going crazy. I was losing my mind
No we are not we must stay stable for our kids.

It took time to GAL but I did GALWK with kids.

Financially I couldn't but I look up free museums, free library event
Free things pack a lunch and did my best.

So again welcome and you will get through this.

You will go through extreme highs and low.
Remember Cry,remember scream is ok to not be ok

Go to therapy go to divorce groups go to single parent groups
Be the best Dad ever. You got this.

Best of luck

[Father5]

Marina do you ever see your wife anymore ? I haven't seen mine in months and I feel like I don't know what she looks like anymore. We schedule drop off once a week and then we exchange after school on the other days. I know this takes a long time as i've read but how long does N/C last ?

[marina7]

Father5,

To answer your question.

The first 6 months where bad I mean bad quick recap for me

April 17 W left literally M.I.A for 3 months. Just phone call
Here and there. And will send me text for pictures of kids.

W block me from all social media, But still has my family
Stepmom seen W pictures with OW in Cancun having fun.

While I struggled emotionally and financially W took all savings
And checking totaling over $25,000.00

I had to pack a 3,000 square foot house W left everything all W pictures,
Clothes and military items. W literally WAW.

Around August W took s10 splitting kids. W started using kid as pawn and mistreating
The last 2 we adopted. My situation was bad. I didn't see s10 for almost 4 months till court

Once court W still was monstrous I mean Satan walking around spewing horrible things
Wish me death at one point. Told me to go kill myself.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

A year pass still monster. But W would peek out and go back to monster

W forsure cake eater to remind me. I would say almost 8 months ago I realized
I need to stop being the Victim. It took time and still working on me but am getting there

After many court kids are back together. They stay with W due to better school district
But I see W and communicate more.

I have seen W coming through more and more. But W still in the tunnel.

Example when W is with OW totally different person. When W alone the old W peeks out

Almost 2yrs of this and finally starting to look at me. When they first start this
There is no eye contact. They look away they look down and they stay fsr away.

Is all MLC they act like we beat them is so weird, they act scared and everywhere

This is why I say you are the stable parent. They will make you feel crazy but your not.

I had a monster, runner, vanisher, I think my W was all in one.

So if your looking for timing how long, like Job said it all depends.

I forsure had a high functioning MLC in one. But is crumbling down. Is weighing on her
W is 38 and has aged in the last 2yrs. I am 41 and been told several times I look like am
in my early 30ish.

[Father5]

I don't no if I am better off with not seeing her. But I really didn't get any spew except for when I said I wouldn't help with the kids so she could travel and go see her new man in the beginning of all of this. That was the big blow up for us. Then silence ! She checked out at first with the kids but now has seemed to come back to being a mom thank god . But I realize this could change on a dime and without notice. I need to be strong for my kids and myself and act like she is never coming back.

[marina7]

I don't no if I am better off with not seeing her. But I really didn't get any spew except for when I said I wouldn't help with the kids.

So here is my Question and won't sugarcoat as I also done my mistakes here.

Why!!!! Do you see what you said... these are your kids

Let her go, and become that super hero dad...

Oh trust me my kids has never told me they hate me or spewing at me.
But oh with W the boys have spew at her. W is breaking W has ask how do you
Do it M.

What I learned from all this is the more we push the more they go. At first I couldn't see
It. Now I see it W is slowly opening up.

Read my post today about S9 I thought W was going to fight me. NOPE... W agreed
With getting a 2nd opinion. W actually said M your right lets find a 2nd opinion. Woohooo
To me I am seeing more clearer with W.

I realized when I gave W the reaction W would argue now I am realizing I only can control me.

Another example
d10 has long hair almost was at waist W oneday at drop off tap my window
And said am cutting d10 Hair I waived my hand and drove off.

Couple weeks later W said how much that bother her. I said why I didn't say anything to you
W exactly you waived your hands and drove off to me that means you don't give a f**k.
I listen something I never Did..
I said I am sorry you felt that way, that wasn't what I meant.
W ok but it bother me
I said ok sorry again you feel that way.

What I realized to myself d10 hair will grow back,
There is kids out here that are dying of cancer d10 is healthy
It wasn't a big deal to me.

But the old me would have spewed some words to W.

I hope you see what am trying to say. I love my W I had to work on me and still working on me.

[DnJ]

Hello F5

A lot of MLCers become a certain type and then stay that way, however as has been stated, it depends. Every MLCer is different and bring their own quirks to the mix. They do tend to follow a similar overall script with their individual traits here and there.

My W is a vanisher. She left me and the kids. The last time she spoke to me in any form was S18’s graduation, June 2018. She contacts the kids sporadically, the last visit with all of them was Christmas for an hour. The Christmas before that was 20 minutes. A couple of other visits, and some texts. That’s it. If you add it all up, there might be 20 hours total in the last 15 months - for the kids, my total is much less.

It is nice to hear your W is being a mom.

Be strong. Be the stable parent. You will make it.

DnJ

[Father5]

Thank you both ,
Marina what I meant by that was in the beginning when I first found out about other man I said I wouldn't help meaning change days etc. That was only in the beginning two days after BD#2 I was a little emotional. Now I would take them in a second. I am the stable parent no doubt I love my kids and I do love my wife. I am starting to find compassion for what she is going through. This isn't the same girl I fell in love with,

[marina7]

Father5

You will have different emotions,
And remember is ok we must go through those stages

I'll be honest I never went through anger because W
Left, so how can I be angry at a person I don't see.

But I went through lost,mourning, sad, confused and what
The f just happened and is all normal.

I remember sitting there with my trio's and a show comes
Up and kids will be kids they will say W favorite show.

I never let my kids see me break down, I would say ok
Am showering and I will cry in the bathroom, scream in a
Bath towel in a ball in the floor. I had my moments but
Never in front of my kids.

What am saying is, your not crazy and emotions are going
Be everywhere. I mean everywhere. Not sure if you have
A therapist but if you don't you will need one.

And remember Father5 we are here for you to vent.

And always walk away if you and W arguments get
Intense. Your W right now is not herself.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Father

How are doing today?

I was pleased to read you can see the start of compassion.

Marina is right, your feelings will be all over the place. Try to remember, during the rough times, they’re just feelings. They are not forever, they will change - guaranteed! I know it doesn’t feel like it.

Focus on you and your kids. It’s ok to try to not think about her. Don’t worry about not acknowledging your feelings or ignoring them, at this stage you frankly cannot stop them, you are attempting to find some peace and detachment.

How about we discuss some practicalities. How is your new job? How and what are the living and custody arrangements? Are they formal or informal? How about finances? I know, an ugly part of all this, however a very necessary part.

A lot of times the WAS or MLCer racks up huge bills and does not even think about how to pay them. It is needed to know your financial risk and obligations regarding her spending, loans, etc...

It is good to see you recognized the anger within yourself and your desire to not be that guy. You will experience anger, so find a healthy outlet, something physical, sweat it out of yourself.

I know how confusing things are for you right now. Where am I headed? What am I going to do? I have a suggestion for you.

Breathe, just breathe. Be patient. Focus on you and the kids. A heading or direction can help you stay focused and on track, instead of running in circles during this time. Might I suggest working towards kindness and compassion. Detaching in this loving manner has some pretty awesome benefits.

There will be thoughts and feelings of vengeance, hatred, anger, etc... feel them for they are true, and remember your headings. Feelings are fleeting. Your headings need not be.

Stay strong.

DnJ