They will always love us - it is the baggage that gets in the way. the resentment that led to the little lies, the lies that snowballed into (your case) a double life. That double life that had at the root of it a tiny lie, maybe a sense of freedom / escape he felt when he was away getting treatment so he went one day earlier than necessary or stayed one day longer. Snowballed. it doesnt matter though - he will never tell you just as i will never tell my ex. Guilt. I know there was love. I know there is love. There is just no marriage. You know this too.
At the risk of hijacking the thread for a second, I just want to say this struck me right between the eyes. The other night when I talked to H in the aftermath of me figuring out he was back with OW, he said he knew I loved him, but thought it was clear I didn't care whether he was around or not (both during the M and now). He also states he's too damaged, and beyond repair, and I'm better off without him. His baggage. It's a definite block for him AND our M. I realize it's his way of justifying his actions now and throughout the years, but your post reminded me that love isn't enough. Perhaps there's just way too much damage and water under the bridge for us to every repair. Perhaps he is too damaged for me. I need to realize that I can love and have concern, but he might not be available as a partner any longer. Something for me to think about.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
oh - You will never know how many lies he told, whether there is one or many OW - they do not matter. Understand the motivations not the details - it will help you forgive.
Wow! this is profound too. Thanks for the reminder. Most of my marriage was a lie, because H was unable to express deep emotional thoughts to me. He blames our marital dynamics, but I know it is much, much more, because I have many deep emotional connections to others, and he has none. It's hard to NOT focus on the "symptoms" (details), but the motivations are surely the key. Thanks for the reminder, FlySolo.
