MLC? Confused what to do

[sandi2]

I don't think you are going to be able to play happy family while separated and while she's having an open affair. As someone has stated, she's cake eating. Do you understand what we mean? In other words, she gets the best of both worlds.

Setting boundaries is like marking a circle around yourself. Think of it like property lines. Other people cannot come on your property to do whatever they want.....unless you approve of it. Otherwise, they will experience consequences of crossing your property lines.

You are responsible for protecting yourself (physically, emotionally, etc.). If another person violates your property, you would probably call the police and they would be fined, or whatever. What happens if another person violates your person? There would be consequences for them, right? Those types of examples are simple. Okay, what if someone disrespects you by making you feel like everyone sees you as fool? You don't like it, do you? What do you do to protect yourself from experiencing this type of disrespect again, especially from this person again? That decision is up to you. You might decide to walk away, and just avoid any future contact with that person. That might work if the person who disrespected you is a stranger and your chances of seeing him again are slim. However, if it is someone who hangs out at your local places; a co-worker; a friend; a relative; or a spouse........then walking away may not stop future disrespectful acts, if that have no consequences to face. To be clear, I am not advocating violence, okay? Consequences don't have to be in the form of a knock down - drag out.

Being in a MR, we tend to allow the spouse to step over our boundary line more than anyone else. The problem that occurs as a result, is their feelings of disrespect. If it continues, their overt disrespect grows more obvious, such as you are currently experiencing. So, if the status of your MR is currently in-house separation, how do you set boundaries to protect your respect? Let's be honest, if your W is seeing another man while married to you and living under the same roof with you........your self esteem must feel pretty low. How could it not........unless you approve of this type of extramarital conduct.

Enforcing a boundary means that you are the only one who does something when your boundary has been violated. You can't force the other person to do something. You are the one who responds with an action. If you say that you won't remain on the line while someone screams and/or curses at you.........then what has to happen for the other person to take you seriously? You don't stay on the line giving them warnings that you are going to disconnect the call. You don't go from a call to texting......b/c that's just compromising. You disconnect and let them stew in their anger or whatever. You are finished with it. If they call right back again (like WW's are known to do) they are just playing games. The consequences for them is that you won't acknowledge them trying to contact you after they've been so disrespectful in a phone call. This is just a small example. .

Don't get too hung up and see enforcing a boundary as an opportunity to punish your spouse. It doesn't give you permission to police how others may live.......just as long as it doesn't affect your life. When dealing with someone close who doesn't respect you, I believe the strength or effectiveness comes from the consequences they get. Make sense?

When it comes to setting boundaries in a MR, be careful what you say, b/c you will probably be tested to backup what you say. Many a H has said, "I will not stay in an open MR". But when it is ignored by his adulterous W, then what is the next step? It is his responsibility to act in such a way that will protect himself from living in an open MR. If she won't honor the boundary, then he needs to physically separate or divorce. The action needs to fit the crime. Make sense? If you aren't ready to set a boundary that steep, then don't say to her. Boundaries are not the same as ultimatums.

There is a big problem here, and that is called "score keeping". She thinks she has you over a barrel b/c of the BJ with her BFF. (Strange how she's mad at you for it, but not mad her BFF). Anyway, she keeps score as to which of you has done the worst. Of course, the score is rigged in her favor. So, you've got to figure out how to shut it down whenever she throws it back in your face.

I might lean toward the idea she's having a revenge affair, and she talks about her love for OM as a way to make you suffer. Like when she said you were boring on the date and left you to go be with OM. That could be seen as vindictive behavior, IMHO. However, I'm not convinced she wasn't already engaging in extramarital sex before she knew about the BJ. But whatever....... throwing it back in your face seems to be her "get out of jail" card.

Although both of you have been guilty of dishonoring the M, you have to stop and create a new starting line for yourself. I think that is what you've tried to do, but she is not following suit. I don't know what all she experienced in the past, or if it affects how all of this is being played out. I think both of you need long-term MC.......but I can't see it helping as long as she pals around with that BFF.