I need to set up boundaries especially about the OM. I have been reading a lot on boundaries, detachment, etc. I am having trouble coming up with them. I like the idea of saying, "I will not live in an open marriage" but what is the result if it continues. Not really the ultimatum or punishment, I guess but what do I say if that line gets crossed again.
Well yes that is exactly the problem. If your boundary is "I will not stand by while you blatantly have an affair", and she continues to do it (which she probably will), then what? For a boundary like that your only repercussion options are separation or divorce. If you're not ready to go that far then don't set it as a boundary. Most of the time when we talk about boundaries here it's more along the lines of not letting your WAS verbally abuse you or such. Things like that are a lot more clearcut and easier to enforce. You tell her you will not allow her to verbally disrespect you and then the next time she does it you calmly state "I told you I would not be disrespected, now either discuss this civilly or I will leave." If she continues to be a brat then you walk out of the room or house, whatever it takes to send her a message that you're not putting up with it. So think about what boundaries you want AND what the ramifications are if they are breached, and make sure it's something you can enforce. Make sense?
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Also, when she came to me to discuss my IC, she then started talking about the OM. Do I just say that I don't want to talk about the OM as it is disrespectful to me and the family and end the discussion?
Yes that is a perfect response. And if she continues talking about him then leave, or go in a room and quietly close and lock the door.
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She emailed me earlier saying that she wanted us to take the kids out to dinner. She also mentioned going out tomorrow night and having some special alone time with our son while the girls have a birthday party.
I just responded that if she wanted to take the kids out to dinner, that is fine. HOwever, I don't think it would be productive for both of us to be there at this time.
Personally my attitude is if it is for the kids then go because you want to show the kids that despite your differences you are still united for them. The kids need to see their parents still love them and don't blame them (kids tend to blame themselves for this kind of stuff). So a good response would be "I think that would be fine to do something together for S, let me know what you have in mind and I'll see if my schedule is clear."
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I was planning on going out tonight but I can rearrange them to tomorrow with more sleep to do it so I am ok with that. However, I never responded back to her as I don't see a need to respond.
If you're planning on going out then let her know, it's just common courtesy. "That sounds fine, I did have plans to do something so that works for me." Something like that, keep it business-like.
