It is always nice to hear your updates. You have a fire in the pit of your stomach that burns bright. I know our sitchs are different so thus our approaches are different, but I honestly think you are doing everything right given the cards you were dealt. Back straight. Head high. For me "what would Yorkie do?" is a real thing
Originally Posted by Yorkie
The L and I both feel that his financial situation is probably going to get worse and if we remain married then I have liability for that. I don't know if the matrimonial laws are different here but a separation agreement does not give me sufficient financial protection.. If we agreed one and then he gets into further financial difficulty then he can go back to the judge to get the terms of the contract negated and say 'hey Judge, my circumstances have changed and I can't agree to this anymore' Now, my L could and would fight that and probably get in my favour, but court costs money that I don't have.
Your lawyer is right. They basically flag post all debts/assets as at the start and the end of your marriage and then start with 50/50 split which can get negotiated up or down depending on how much it is in your interest to fight. If, whilst you are separated his situation gets worse, then the pot you split gets worse. It only stops when you are legally divorced.
I know that you long ago dropped that rope - don't get burdened with any more of his baggage. Do you need full disclosure, or are you happy to just agree a settlement figure with only half the information available and let the cards fall where they may. Like you say, you have a decent pension, your kids are grown so there is no 'maintenance', you would know the value of the family home and can split that (at whatever ratio you agree). What else do you need: commitment to pay a portion of tuition (I cant remember if you had kids were at uni), top up on what remains of your pension after you give him half?
If his finances are as 'complex' as you believe, he will want to get this done as quick as possible. Are you willing to accept a possible low ball figure in the interest of getting it done. How low is too low given your pension and the value of the house?
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I think I've shared too much with the boys about this situation, hence they continue to struggle with the R with Dad. I vowed I wouldn't lie to them so when my eldest sat down to help me look at my financial situation (he's a Chartered Accountant) there was a presumption that the house was mortgage free and that my equity share was twice what it actually is, so I had to tell him or his advice was meaningless. Perhaps i should have declined his help, but he so wanted to help me with his expertise and in the early days of not being able to think straight, I welcomed that.
You have raised good people with sound values who (if they're anything like you) can see past the BS. Credit them with having the good sense to make their own decisions. They are not children. They do not need to be protected. Don't slag your H (even in the casual side comment way) but also don't protect him. He too is a grown man and thus responsible for his own actions. If he wants to build a relationship with your boys, then it is on him to do this. The only thing I will say is that your boys should know they come from a place of love. Their parents were two people who loved each other and wanted to build a life together. Things change. But at the time, you loved your H and he loved you. Your boys should know that.
