I asked about numerous events about her whereabouts and she confirmed that she had lied. She said she had no reason to anymore.
Her test will come when the withdrawals start kicking her rear.
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She has reconfirmed that I can look anytime that I want at phone, phone records, bank and cc accounts.
Many women balk about "no privacy" whenever their phone and emails are checked. However, she has to sacrifice privacy if she intends to show that she can be trustworthy again. If she is not being genuine, her gleeful cooperation will wear thin, shortly, and she'll grow tired of being transparent. On the other hand, if she is genuine, then being transparent will help her while going through the affair withdrawals. Another Stander made an excellent point when he compared her affair addiction with someone on heroin, and how easy it is to agree to giving it up..........until the next time she needs a fix. I think of people who talk about going on a diet to lose weight. They talk the talk when the belly is full. The test comes when the belly is empty.
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I'm hanging in there with eyes still wide open. I told her she will never be tracked or investigated again.
Why did you tell her?
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If I have those feelings of mistrust it will be over,
Well, that's up to you to make that choice. I don't know that you should have told her. Do you understand how important it is for her healing (if not your own) to work at making amends and have a better MR? I'm talking from the viewpoint of the cheater. I know the argument of how a cheater will find a way if they want to cheat, but I also know she needs to have a plan where she gives accountability until she no longer feels the tug of war to compromise her integrity. She'll need you to encourage and emotionally support her while she goes through the withdrawal phase. That is the period she'll be her most vulnerable to secretly find a way to contact OM.
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Maybe a turning point? I still have the thoughts in my head similar to Steve...am I sure this is what I want? How long will I feel this way? Is it worth it?
Well, I think you need to figure out what you want, just like Steve had to do. Maybe you feel battle fatigue with all this mess, and need to take each day as it comes, rather than undertaking the far out future. At least right now. I don't think it is uncommon for the LBH to experience these feelings, especially when he sees his W wanting to secure the M. Ironic isn't it? Getting on the same page at the same time is not as simple as it sounds......b/c of this thing called human nature. She doesn't want the H, and he puts all his focus into getting his W back. She decides she doesn't want to lose him, and then he's not so sure he wants her anymore.
It could be a turning point, if she is really serious. I've read very similar stories where the WW appeared to be remorseful and was willing to be transparent........but it turned out to be a performance by the WW. You've mentioned her saying how happy she felt about coming clean, etc. Were you able to detect humility in her, or was it more like a light switch flipping on to this state of happiness?
I think having therapy ASAP is important. At the moment, she may appear willing to do most anything you suggest, b/c she wants to secure her M. In a couple more weeks, you may see her resisting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
