13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So whats been going on in my life?

I find myself to have come to a complete acceptance of many things about my life, were I was and where I am going. I do daily slip in my thoughts, but its on such a minimal scale, that it doesnt affect my job, my mental state or my social life in general, so I have that going for me, and that is improving on a daily basis.

Status for me is: We are still taking turns to stay in our house with our kids (7 days each). We do not communicate unless it is regarding financials (house) or matters regarding the kids that needs both of our attention. <-- I feel better if this is how we do for now. This is a work in progress as I am in a place, where I have accepted that she is in love, and wants another live, that does not involve me anymore - however me and her are not quite on the same page here. She believes we are to be friends (down the line, maybe) but the way I was treated, the way she ruined the family, the betrayal. That will take me a long time to heal from and forgive.

I do not make contact anymore, and only see her once a week, when I pick up the kids for gym. She is contacting me on a daily basis, and sends pictures of the kids. I dont respond, although I would lie, if I said I am not glad to receive pictures of my two little angels.

I have a source of intel that I use rarely to make sure nothing ugly is coming my way ( a lot has, so I am precautious here). And her actions does not align with her words - let me elaborate on that.

Basically we are getting money refunded from chiropractor sessions for S1, however these money are refunded to my ex's account through insurance. I told her the other day, that when the money are refunded, they need to be transferred into the mutual account (house expenses) - I said, that I am sure she would do that on her own, but I just wanted to say it, in case she forgot about them. She took it fine, and said she would of course. A couple of days ago she got an offer for an apartment, that was very close to her new boyfriend, and as the house has not yet sold, I made use of my aforementioned intel source, so that I am not suddenly stuck with the house payments because she accepts an offer, and just leaves her old life behind. I am sure, that thought is valid given her actions in the period from start till now.

She didn't accept the offer, however there was a notification telling that 150 usd would be deposited from the insurance (chiropractor), that was 4 days ago, and that money still hasn't been transferred, and most likely won't be. So, if I do confront this, she will know that I have a source of intel, that I am not really that keen on giving up, since it gives me the upper hand on things until the house sells. So what is my choice then? basically I just know now, that she is lying, manipulating and can't be trusted. On the outside she really seems to want things to work, and on the inside, its all about her. I had hoped that the co-parenting arrangement could be one of trust, but that is not in the cards.

She sent me a text earlier this week, asking if we could do some more marketing for the house, because D5 had mentioned many times now, that she couldn't wait to be living in the city, so what the plans were?

I felt utterly disgusted by the fact that she made this look like its for the kids sake and just answered "This is your project, you have the number for the real estate broker." <-- Didn't receive any reply.

So, to sum things up:

I am in a good spot, at last, and seeing how easily my former love decided to unhinge herself from me, and latch on to a new person was the most devastating thing ever, but also what in the end made me realize, that this is game over. She has moved on, and so will I and my kids.

I dont know what the future will bring. I know that the person I loved dearly for 13 years, is in love, and she is happy with this new guy. The way they went about getting together was horrible, but I live in the present, and the past is the past. They will live with their choices, and the effects they have caused - I will move on to greater things. I hope she finds her happiness, and I fear that she will come running back if she does not, so I am pacing myself in a steady direction 180 degrees the opposite of hers, so I can withstand her, emotional, should she make a turn towards me. I dont want her to right now, and maybe never again. I dont trust her, I dont like her actions, and although she is beautiful, its only a facade.

I am getting my kids today, and I LOOK so much forward to it.

/hurt