Last night I went out to dinner with the separated woman I have been seeing pretty consistently for the last 6 weeks. However there was some tension after she texted me on Saturday asking if everything was ok since she hadn't heard much from me. Later on Saturday she accidentally sent me a series of texts (clearly meant for another recipient) which were talking about our relationship and me, culminating in one that said that I don't know what I want and that she isn't going to chase me. It was an awkward and embarrassing mistake, but I mainly just felt bad for her since everything she said was fair and true, even if not the way she wanted it to come out. She apologized via text once she realized what had happened. I felt that we clearly had to have a talk about what we were doing, and I needed to be honest about seeing other people and not being able to commit to exclusive dating at this point.
The date itself went really well, as we had great conversation, and enjoyed ourselves throughout. We finally talked about the relationship, and it went really well as be both were not ready to make a commitment or sure of what we wanted. She still isn't really feeling ready despite being separated much longer than I. So, in the most respectful and positive way possible, we broke up. It was more her call than mine, as I was OK with the status quo, but I'm okay with it. It was really nice to be able to handle it in a mature way that let both people walk away feeling good.
Then, tonight, I came home early from the gym and ran into my W feeding the dog after a walk. I wanted to talk to her about when we could close our joint bank accounts, and just go over the plan to take her off the deed but keep her on the mortgage. There is no upside for her in this, other than helping me out, and I wanted to make sure that I was clear with her on this point.
Of course, she started crying, telling me that she was in no hurry for me to do any of this. She then asked me if I would consider starting over again with her. This was probably the question that I was waiting for her to ask for months and months and months after BD. However at this point I told her that I wouldn't entertain the question while she was still seeing someone else, and that I would need her to recognize what she had done. I also told her that I needed to be with someone who wanted to be with me, and that she still seemed like she didn't know what she wanted. She admitted that that was the case.
There was a lot more said, but for me it became clearer than ever that I truly was in control of the situation because I had put in the hard work of growing and learning to love myself. I no longer needed her. I wanted to tell her that she has so many attractive qualities - her beauty, her intelligence, her caring nature, her love of languages... but she lacked one key quality that I need in a partner - the capacity to choose me, to love me from a place of strength. She admitted that she needed to do a lot of work on herself. And quite frankly it isn't fair to expect me to wait around while she does it.
My plan is the same - to move forward with the divorce and my life. She is so far behind me in working on herself that I have trouble imagining her ever catching up. I encouraged her to put in that work, because she is clearly in pain and not at peace with herself. But, like I told her, no one can do that work for her.
Maybe that is detachment. I dunno.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
