One thing that stuck out from the argument was that I wasn’t happy either but I was still committed and I deserve better. She said oh so now your not doing anything to help with the house but you want half? I reminded her of everything I did to help and that Half? Told her half of everything was not good enough because now at most either of us will get half our time with the boys. I told her I deserved better than half. Will stop here.
Adam, I think you would agree that these convos with your W are going poorly. I think like many of us you try to make these discussions about your wants and needs rather than hers, and that just escalates into an argument. "I deserve better." "I reminded her of everything I did." "half of everything was not good enough." "I told her I deserved better than half." You you you. That comes off to her as you being selfish, self-righteous and dismissive of her feelings. A lot of the issue with WAW's is they feel like their emotional needs haven't been met for a long time. Instead of listening and validating you are arguing and trying to convince her you are right and she is wrong. She may very well be wrong, but this is about YOU doing what YOU can do to change the dynamic. And what you can do that will make a huge difference is LISTEN and VALIDATE. Validation is neutral, it is you simply listening to her and acknowledging her feelings no matter what they are. You are not agreeing/ disagreeing/ arguing/ negotiating/ reasoning/ etc. It doesn't matter whether you agree with her or not, you are simply letting her speak and allowing her to feel however she does. And you are not injecting your wants/ needs into the conversation, because I assure you right now she could give a flip about your needs.
I'm not suggesting you allow an affair, or roll over and let her cake-eat or anything like that. This is just about doing something different to keep arguments from starting and escalating. As hard as it is, you have to be the agent of change because she is unwilling and unable to right now. Like Michele says, "it takes one to tango".
