Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Been together 25 years, married 14. S11 and S6. BD 8/15/18. IHS.

Over last year W was distant, wanting time and space to figure things out when I approached her to talk or ask how she was doing. Noticed a guy’s picture saved on I cloud she said was for a friend. She went on BCP, said it was for a medical condition, to help with cysts(she’s had a few removed from breast, and her sister has cervical ones). She started working out. Got a tattoo on her shoulder of an initial for her dad who passed away two years ago. She became secretive with her phone carrying it around everywhere with her and closing out of it when I got near. She woke up early at 3am sometimes on the iPad and said she couldn’t go to sleep but wouldn’t open up to me. Sex life was spiked sometimes but we’d have our usual Fridays planned time and sometimes on the weekends and spontaneous weekdays but it wasn’t enough. I sensed something changed in her. Certain nuances when it came to sex. From prior year she would take more business trips with her boss who is also female. No idea who else would have gone. W worked for this company for 20 years and has new bigger clients from last 1-2 years.

Due to secretive behavior, I started using the find me app. One day she said she was at work and I used the app to catch her in a lie. I texted her and she lied saying it was a last minute work meeting. I was foolish and got destructive and tore up some of her personal items. She bomb dropped me saying it was my fault and she didn’t do anything wrong. She made an excuse for everything and said she wanted D. 1 month prior to BD, we started building a new home in a new location. We already had 50k put into the start so I was tapped out.

After BD, I broke so many rules like pursuit and begging for the kids. I ran hot and cold. Some days I didn’t trust her and others I doubted my judgement. I snooped on the phone bill and saw several texts to one number at certain times of the day when she was at work, enough to arouse my suspicion and she denied it. She went undercover after that. She was reading a lot of romance novels at this time too and I used her amazon account to buy things and saw her kindle books. One was something about adultery or how to get away with it. She later denied it. I even questioned if I had done that, searched for books on how to cheat to see if I could catch her and wondered if it saved my search history. I couldn’t believe what was going on that I was in a fog.

It was after 2 months I found DR.

I started to search for help, bought DR. Worked on my 180s. W noticed immediately. She no longer said she wanted to D but didn’t want to string me along either(she wanted to cake eat). I found the board and eventually stopped spending time with W as a family. I continued to work out and spent less days at home.

It’s been 6months since BD. W and I are selling this house in May. New house will be done end of May. A few times W talked about new house being our home and made comments about me living with them but did not say anything about the R or her behavior. I didn’t believe one word of what she was saying. She was trying to string me along.

I spoke to an attorney who was against 50/50 custody. I thought that wasn’t an option with what I was going to do, move out early as a point that I wouldn’t tolerate being in the same house as a cheater. Others here quickly convinced me fight for half time with the kids and it resonated with me. I decide to stay in this house until it sells. If I don’t try to push to oust her , I most likely won’t establish some more respect from her, but in considering everything, I’m not sure what I want either.

I believe if I had the divorce papers I would sign them under these conditions. I also feel like we need to go thru this physical separation. I question if she brings OM to new house if that will be a deal breaker for me. I feel conflicted, like I am standing for the M and open to reconcile but at the same time I want nothing to do with this person. I want my new life.

I’ve tried to spend these past months more with my sons and less with her. I take every opportunity to teach them. I take every opportunity to confront W on her disrespect, whether it’s her making comments under her breath to putting words in my mouth.

After S11 turned 11 we told the kids about D. Was hard.

I lost 70 pounds so far and have 100 more to go. I let myself gain weight drastically over the last 1-2 years.

I’m trying to work on emotional control and detachment.

AND.....tonight W and I had an argument about she expected me to help her do something I would have done before as the H. I argued back and said she fired me as the H. I think I am going to slowly use certain things from here and feel like a hipocrite for doing so because I’ve purposefully stayed away from trying to “make her see the light” with the info here.

I’m trying to use the tools on behavior but I am also using knowledge and weaving that into my own words against W expectations. One thing that stuck out from the argument was that I wasn’t happy either but I was still committed and I deserve better. She said oh so now your not doing anything to help with the house but you want half? I reminded her of everything I did to help and that Half? Told her half of everything was not good enough because now at most either of us will get half our time with the boys. I told her I deserved better than half. Will stop here.