Embracing my inner me

[Grace21]

I posted on another thread how Lent might be my time to work on totally and completely giving my sitch up to God. With the latest events this week, I'm an inner mess. I was doing so well, and even told my bible study group about a month ago that I thought I was doing so well, and was at so much peace and happiness, because I gave my sitch up to God. With all the ugly blame H put on me about why he's so miserable, I have myself doubting going so dark was the best route. I know evil is trying to take over, and realized I tried to take over the sitch from God.

I'm having serious doubts that I can wait for things to evolve, for H to make a decision. Some days I want to call him and say "draw up the papers". I'm releasing you.

But I'm not quite ready. Why?

Some days I want to draw them up myself and hand them over, saying "obviously you don't want to be with me, otherwise you would. So let's get it over with. Why drag it out?” Or “I’m giving you the gift of choice. You can sign them if you feel the only way to your happiness is to start over.”

And then I think I should let it continue to evolve. Why should I care that H might move in with his OW? Let him reap those consequences. And they would be plenty, I’m sure. This woman doesn’t even have a real job. She’s still living with her H. They aren’t D either. But they have no kids. Our kids would be disgusted

This standing business is very draining. It’s making me feel like I’m letting H spit all over our vows, and then I’m still at the ready to take him back. That doesn’t say a lot for my self-worth, does it?

But, I feel good that in 30 years I have never, ever broken our vows. At least not intentionally. And by that, I mean I accept total responsibility for putting too much energy in my kids and neglecting my H as a man. He even mentioned that on the phone the other night. He never felt that I cared if he was around or not. I neglected the “love, honor and cherish” part. We both did.

The difference is I’ve examined a lot about where we went wrong. But have the belief the we could rebuild something so fulfilling.

He hasn’t. He continues to choose to wallow in the negative, the past, and stay stuck in his misery.

He thinks the happiness and peace he sees in my is because he’s not around.

He doesn’t realize that happiness and peace is because I’m finding my inner me, and I like it.

I’ve got much to consider. Too bad my IC can’t see me for another week.

I’m sad. And tired.