Thanks for your post; it's comforting to know that you appreciate the 'Hobson's choice' I currently face. I'm guessing that you didn't want the D whereas I am the one pushing?
The L and I both feel that his financial situation is probably going to get worse and if we remain married then I have liability for that. I don't know if the matrimonial laws are different here but a separation agreement does not give me sufficient financial protection.. If we agreed one and then he gets into further financial difficulty then he can go back to the judge to get the terms of the contract negated and say 'hey Judge, my circumstances have changed and I can't agree to this anymore' Now, my L could and would fight that and probably get in my favour, but court costs money that I don't have.
Of course, it works both ways. If we get D and he sees the fruits of one asset that he has then he'll be okay. We are struggling to ascertain what that asset is worth to know if I should just walk away from it, but I think that perhaps I will have to decide to take that chance, cut my losses and get the heck out of there.
I think I've shared too much with the boys about this situation, hence they continue to struggle with the R with Dad. I vowed I wouldn't lie to them so when my eldest sat down to help me look at my financial situation (he's a Chartered Accountant) there was a presumption that the house was mortgage free and that my equity share was twice what it actually is, so I had to tell him or his advice was meaningless. Perhaps i should have declined his help, but he so wanted to help me with his expertise and in the early days of not being able to think straight, I welcomed that.
I guess what I've learned is that sexual betrayal wasn't an isolated incident. For me, it goes hand in hand with other bad decision making and manipulation. Skeletons in the closet and all that.
I guess if I was in his position I would stall on full disclosure of the reality as well. Furthermore, I work for the Police and so have a reasonable pension (even though I have another 20 years to realise it) The longer he stays married to me, the more of that he would be entitled to. It transpires that he's cashed all of his in.
I don't want a reconciliation so want to get this finalised and move away from the whole situation. Early retirement is out of the window and I will be 68 before I can retire and claim both state and work pensions. That's daunting, but 20 years in the future is a long time away and a lot can happen in that time, so I try not to dwell on it whilst at the same time not doing what my H has done and sweep it all under the carpet for another day.
I focus on what I want the situation to look like in 12 months time and then work out the practicalities of how I get there. It's frustrating that part of that is reliant on him doing his bit, but hopefully that is a short term problem.
