Thank you DnJ and Adam. I am really hopeful he means it. I think he realizes, on some level, that he has to do this. I do believe he loves our kids and that wants to work cooperatively with me. I know he knows he owes me more than what he has given me by way of an explanation. I also know there are still many lies between us...some recent...some not so recent. I don’t need to “understand”, persay, because I don’t think he understands himself so how can he explain it to me. I just need to hear him say something that makes sense...that is believable. I think it will be good for him...and it will be good for us. The “us” that used to be is long gone... I get that finally.... but this is the start of a new “us”...two people who love their kids and are working together to support them as best they could. I fully believe he will look back on this one day with regret but I suspect my feelings for him in that respect will be long over. Even now...they are fading. It’s funny how that happens.
I had a looonnnng text exchange with my ex-husband tonight. Man, everyone needs an ex-husband like mine...lol. We reminisced about some funny memories. He told me he and his best friend were watching old videos and his friend’s teenage daughter thought I was “stunningly gorgeous”. I said “really?” and he said my eyes are amazing and that I am still really striking. Awww...shucks...that is just what a woman who has recently been openly rejected by her husband needs to hear...lol. My ex is my biggest cheerleader and fan. He says I taught him a lot and still continue to teach him with how I am handling everything. He, too, hopes my H finds the courage to tell me the truth. He also, as always, expressed his dismay that he had his head up his @ss back then. I think he definitely appreciates me more now than he did then. Maturity and growth...eventually leads to figuring out what is important in life. Back then I was the quintessential “girl next door” and not exciting enough for my H who was totally focused on dating women who were risky or stereotypically beautiful...one step off from a stripper kind of girls. When we met, I had a HUGE crush on him but he was lukewarm on me. But he would spend at least two nights a week hanging out with me and making me dinner, etc... but never tried to kiss me or anything. His friends constantly told me that he liked me...he just didn’t know it. Then, when I had given up all hope and he found out that I was thinking about getting back together with my old boyfriend, he completely changed his tune and kissed me the night before I was leaving to go back home for a visit. Ruined my ex’s weekend, that’s for sure. Anyway...very different beginning than with my current H who wrote to me that I had given him back his will to live after our second or third date. I thought that was the key to lasting love...that both people are instantly head over heels. I don’t feel that way anymore. My ex and I had the foundation of trust and friendship. He made some mistakes in our MR, as did I, but he would have never betrayed me to the level that my H has. Not in a million years. It has been 28 years since my ex and I first met and he probably loves me more now than he did then... at least he appreciates the qualities in me that seemed so boring back then...honesty, loyalty, stability, etc... the kind of person you can be married to for 50 years. So I guess that begs the question... why am I facing my second divorce?
This is gonna sound crazy cause I still have my up and down days and days when I miss my H...my old H...before the alien abduction. But...I think I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I am starting to feel like me again. I think this experience will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. The things that I am learning and will continue to learn are a gift. I am getting there. Finally!!!
